How To British... At the Movies!

How to British… At the Movies

Do make the most of free poster giveaways. Don’t complain too loudly about how uncomfortable your seat is. This is “How to British”, and today we’re at the movies.

“How to British” is the show for those who aren’t British (but really want to be), and for those who are (and really want everyone else to know about it). If you’ve got an idea for the next “How to British” video, let us know in the comments – pronto!

#5: Don’t Say ‘At the Movies’

And don’t call it a ‘movie theatre’, either. Unless you’re also embracing your inner-American, in which case go right ahead. Instead, stick with ‘going to the cinema’ – which is a French word, but one that everyone seems uncharacteristically fine with using… Older folk might also mention ‘going to the pictures’, but there’s really not a lot to worry about in terms of what not to say. A lot of the time we’re all there to watch some kinda Hollywood hoo-hah, anyway. And, if you do drop the odd Americanism, no one’s going to rip your ticket in half and ask you to leave. We’ll just tut in your general direction, and be on our way.

#4: Smile Away the Price of Popcorn

What’s the latest blockbuster without popcorn precariously balanced between your knees? Disappointing, that’s what it is. So, whatever the cost, it’s gotta be done. And when you hand the lad behind the till a tenner expecting change, only to be told that you haven’t actually paid him enough, you feign a flustered grin, apologise for the inconvenience you’ve caused, and pay what’s left – shame on you for expecting cinema snacks to be anything less than extortionate! Interestingly, the price of popcorn is also the reason why most Brits go to the flicks wearing the biggest coat they own – all the better for smuggling in shop-bought drinks and buy-one-get-one-free bags of Haribo.

#3: Pre-Plan Your Toilet Break

Because woe betide you need to go right in the middle of a good bit! Toilet breaks obviously aren’t ideal for anyone, but for the Brits they’re a real last resort. Ways around the issue include researching how long the trailers last for (so you can make a dash for the loo when the last one comes on); or pre-reading the film’s full synopsis (so you can quietly leave during a less important scene, thereby ruining it for yourself but causing as little fuss as possible). If all goes well, you should never need to awkwardly stumble out of your chair, trying to go unnoticed but also all-too-aware that you’re one wrong move from falling down the stairs. An aisle seat is always essential – just in case.

#2: Watch in Deathly Silence

Even if you have managed to schedule your bladder accordingly, there are still plenty of ways you might ruin someone else’s cinema experience. And you just don’t want to be that person. If you’re eating, chew during the loud bits. If you need to cough, time it so that an on-screen explosion masks the worst of it. If you need to sneeze, just don’t. That big coat packed with pick ‘n’ mix? If you somehow forget to take it off before the film starts, then unlucky. Your stuck sweating in that thing until the end credits roll – because personal discomfort is always preferable to the scene you’d inevitably make if you tried to disrobe mid-movie. Never put yourself first. Always worry that you’re offending someone else. Try to enjoy the film. It’s the British way. And never, under any circumstances, whoop, whistle or clap at any time – not even at the end.

#1: Save Your Opinions Until After You’ve Left the Building

Whether you’ve just enjoyed the finest film you’ve seen for yonks… Or you’ve just endured two hours of overhyped tripe… There’s no need to pass judgment right away. And it probably boils down to politeness again. What if you’re overheard discussing plot points by someone sitting outside, who hasn’t seen it yet? What if your scathing summary ruins it for the guy sitting next to you – who absolutely loved it and is already booking tickets for a second showing? The further you get from the screen you’ve just been sat in, the more you can tell anyone who’s interested what you really thought. All while picking overpriced popcorn out from your teeth, and questioning the nutritional value of that Slush Puppy you impulsively bought yourself on the way out.