Top 10 Funniest Phoenix Nights Moments

It’s the middle of the night and Brian’s phone starts to ring. He’s horrified to hear that the club has burnt down – again – and that Jerry’s body may have been found in the wreckage. In order to identify the remains, he’s asked to say whether Jerry wore fake teeth or not. Finally, he realises what the audience has known the whole time, that Max and Paddy are prank calling him. He’s absolutely livid and gives them a stern talking to, only for them to call back a minute later and say that there’s been a break-in. Except, this time, it really IS the police, and Brian makes a fool of himself.

While watching a truly exhilarating documentary about a single cell organism, two blokes in jumpsuits turn up to mend or replace the TV. Everybody in the club is bored witless, but despite that, nobody considers that maybe they’re not supposed to be taking the telly. Kenny Senior’s on hand and you think for a moment that he’s twigged that something’s wrong, but he’s actually just giving them the massive TV remote. Brian then arrives in his shiny, new Cadillac and reveals that he hadn’t arranged for anybody to take the TV and that it was a brand-new set. They’ve been sabotaged!

In another attempt to drum up business, a “Stars in Their Eyes” tribute night is organised. Unfortunately, everybody they had booked fails to turn up after Den Perry gets involved. This is currently the final episode of “Phoenix Nights” – unless that infamous third series ever gets filmed – and seeing the whole cast dress up as various celebrities to perform is a stellar send off. Even Brian gets involved, performing as Elton John. Toe everyone’s shock, they’re not COMPLETELY awful and give it a bloody good go, though they’re still rubbish enough that they fit in with the rest of the tone.

Dealing with a lairy stag do is every bouncer’s worst nightmare, let alone a stag do from Bolton. They pull up in a minibus wearing football shirts and chanting. Max and Paddy try to deny them entry to the club only to get run off their feet by an army of little people. Eventually, the stag overpowers Max and Paddy, beating them up in the entrance. When Brian comes to check that the little disabled boy is collecting money as he should, he sees the chaos but opts not to intervene, leaving them to it. They really are the worst bouncers in the world.

90s TV was ruled by “Robot Wars”, with people tuning into BBC Two week after week to see the House Robots destroy those naïve contestants. Trying to get in on the action, the Phoenix Club holds a Robot Wars event. Max and Paddy enter a competitor to try and win the grand prize of sixty quid. Brian’s hugely disappointed by the turnout and asks one of the competitors if he’s ever had a girlfriend, in a ruthless takedown of the kind of people who bothered to build something for “Robot Wars” in real life. Max and Paddy’s robot turns out to be a beast, and they win by cheating and bashing their rivals with mallets.

Eagerly anticipating the lottery results, Brian hurries down in his stairlift with his lottery ticket in hand – only for the electric to go off in his whole house at the key moment. He’s unable to escape the stairlift and ends up sleeping there, with no way to call for help. He tries to make a lasso with his jumper and grab the phone, but even when he succeeds, the cable’s too short and it just falls onto the floor. Finally, Jerry goes to check on him and is forced to break the door down, injuring himself in the process, rescuing Brian from his stairlift hell.

If we’ve learnt anything from “Phoenix Nights”, it’s that you shouldn’t mix horses and beer. After acquiring a bucking bronco that proves popular, they decided to hold a Wild West theme night with a genuine horse, Trigger. Brian’s horrified that they’ve got a horse indoors, especially when Trigger goes to the toilet. But Trigger’s left to his own devices and ends up slurping down booze in the Jocky Wilson suite. In his drunken state, Trigger mounts and tries to mate with the bucking bronco, with everybody too afraid to try and stop him.

With the club proper out of action following the previous series’ devastating fire, the carpark is the only facility available. They decide to host an outdoor, family fun day. Things immediately go wrong when their bouncy castle arrives, and it turns out to have an enormous, male member attached to it. While Brian’s outraged by the giant, er, snake, he’s a lot less concerned about his portaloo with its repurposed condom machine and deadly, scaffolding climbing frame. Jerry’s ultimately roped into dressing as a giant berry and performing to try and raise some money while Brian observes.

It’s singles’ night and against all the odds, Brian manages to find love – though Alan also pulls a pensioner. He falls head over heels for Beverley, sharing many a romantic moment, going to the park, paintballing, karaoke, and the classic dinner for two. Eventually, things progress, and Brian brings her back to his house, but he’s too scared to make a move. Instead, he puts on a video of a firework display. After one of the most awkward TV kisses in history ruined by what else Brian’s got recorded on the video tape, they decide to take things to the next level, giving us an even more awkward stairlift scene.

Jerry books a terrible psychic one evening and the crowds turn out, all desperate to communicate with their lost loved ones. He starts off with a safe bet, asking if there’s anybody called John in the room, and there are about a dozen. The audience becomes increasingly horrified as Baptiste suggests that they’re all hiding things from each other, making blind, incorrect guesses. None of them falls for it and it’s a wonder that Brian and Jerry don’t intervene and drag him out of the club before someone attacks him – which, incidentally, is how this all ends, after he accuses a man of being a wrong’un. Let us know in the comments who your favourite Peter Kay character is.