Top 10 Ways To Annoy British People

When things go wrong it’s fine to feel miffed, but that’s as far as it should go. Because the sound of someone actually complaining is always worse than whatever the problem is. If a restaurant’s food isn’t to your taste, just ignore your disappointment and eat it anyway. If you’re late for work because the trains are delayed, then simple, subtle sarcasm is more than sufficient. No one likes a smart arse – even when they’re right. So, don’t be that guy.

Despite our reputation, we Brits aren’t all pub-obsessed alcoholics. But if you are settled in for a shandy or two, then please God pay your way. Not buying a round is an obvious no-no, but expecting your mate to shell out on something expensive - when everyone else is on affordable ales - is also out of bounds. We’ll do it, but we’re not happy about it - only you won’t know we’re annoyed because we won’t complain about it, obviously. And if you are at the bar, then no blatant queue-jumping – some stereotypes exist for a reason.

In a lift. At a bus stop. On the underground. Small talk doesn’t exactly annoy British people, but it does bring some out in a very cold sweat. We may have spent centuries developing the English language, but we’re typically terrible at applying it whenever someone simply asks us how we are. Conversation starters to probably avoid include Brexit, the Premier League, and asking us whether we know the Queen. We more than probably don’t.

Any Brit with a computer knows the niggly annoyance of that squiggly red line underlining the word ‘colour’, because you spelt it with a ‘u’. Yes, you can change your settings, but that doesn’t excuse stateside spelling for wrecking the word in the first place. The development and fluidity of language is clearly a good thing, helping us to express ourselves with ever-increasing variety and vivacity, but how and why has anything been improved by the misguided mangling of the word ‘football’? The focus on ‘feet’ is kinda key.

Because there’s way more to it than just ‘posh’ or ‘Cockney’. But, thanks to shows like “Downton Abbey” and “The Crown”, half the world seems to think it necessary to roll out their best Queen’s English, as if it will impress us. But news-flash, it doesn’t. It’s just annoying. Same goes for the constant, cringey attempts at a London accent, which somehow blend Dick Van Dyke with Popeye. Please stop, it hurts our ears.

Sure, we’re not exactly Italy when it comes to cuisine, but the go-to branding of British food as ‘bland’ is getting pretty boring now. Most critics accept that throughout the ‘50s, ‘60s and ‘70s, UK dishes left a little to be desired … But it’s all changed in recent times, and today’s food and drink options are extensive, and actually quite exciting. Anyone who says otherwise has either never been here, or they’ve never had a proper Yorkshire pudding.

A Second World War slogan turned into a mid-noughties fashion statement, the ‘Keep Calm’ craze has gone global – and don’t we know it. The poster’s prolific over-use in popular culture and worldwide tourism has spawned T-shirts, tea towels, mugs, magnets, slippers, snow globes, biscuit tins and boxer shorts, all emblazoned with an increasingly insipid instruction to keep calm and do something. How about ‘keep calm and stop buying this rubbish’?

The UK. It’s four countries under one collective name. Sounds simple but it often isn’t. Want proof of the national pride that pings from border to border? Try telling a Scot they’re English, and prepare for a patriotic protest. Lots of us identify as British, but it’s not for everyone, and the many mini rivalries are part of what makes us great! Of course, we are often united as ‘British’ - as in the Olympic Games – but what the UK definitely isn’t is Australia… Why does everyone keep making that mistake??

A pinch of praise is always appreciated, but too much and it makes us awkward. Reactions range from graciously accepting a compliment (but risking insincerity and smugness), to quietly ignoring your plaudits (but somehow seeming aloof and arrogant). The humble middle ground is always hard to hit, just re-watch awards acceptance speeches by British actors if you don’t believe us. Kind words and good deeds are grand, just let’s not make a song and dance about it, shall we?

OK. We get it. Britain’s not as big as America. But that doesn’t mean that London’s all there is. Sure, it’s a cracking city, but if you live in the Scottish Highlands, for example, you might never have been. So, when non-Brits seem confused when they ask you where you’re from, and you say anything other than the L-word, it is pretty irritating. The Lake District isn’t just some London suburb, you know. The Brecon Beacons are worlds away from Leicester Square. And Cornwall is very far from Whitehall.