Top 10 Dumbest Criminals

Wearing a disguise is great for concealing one’s identity if one is going to commit a crime. Someone should have told Dennis Hawkins that in order for a disguise to work, however, it has to be somewhat believable. Hawkins apparently missed that memo as he attempted to rob a bank wearing clown pants with a pair of fake breasts and a blonde wig. Not only did he fail to cover his face, which still had a goatee and moustache, but the disguise also attracted attention, and the police easily apprehended him.

It’s important to be prepared, especially if you are going to rob a store. It is possible to be too prepared, though, which is exactly what happened to Daniel Glen, who unexplainably decided to call ahead to ask the store how much cash was in the register. Imagine how that conversation went: “Hello, I’d like to place a takeout order for all the money! Can I get fries with that?” Confused and slightly alarmed, the storeowner immediately called the police, who arrested Glen on his way to the store.

We’re going to say this now: if you’re planning on robbing a store or bank, don’t call ahead and ask them suspicious questions or warn them you’re coming. Seemingly inspired by our previous entry, Albert Bailey called the bank and told them he was coming to rob them so that they would have the money ready for him when he got there. He even had an accomplice enter the bank with a note informing the tellers who Bailey was. Obviously, the tellers had called the police, who apprehended Bailey immediately.

To commit a crime, you have to be slightly arrogant. If you get away with the crime, this arrogance can increase to the point where you feel untouchable. After murdering Dariusz Janiszewski in 2000, Polish author Krystian Bala wrote a novel titled, “Amok,” which featured an eerily similar murder and details of the case only the murderer himself could have been privy to. Police uncovered clues relating to the murder, most of which came from the novel, eventually arresting and charging Bala. To their shock, they discovered on his computer plans to kill another person to tie-in with the next novel he was planning to write.

Buying drugs is an art, because you don’t have the option to exchange or refund your purchase if you don’t like the product you get. Apparently no one told this to Eloise Reaves, who had the gall to go to the police to complain about the quality of the crack cocaine she had just bought. She reportedly pulled the crack rock from her mouth and placed it on the cop car for the deputy to inspect. She was charged with the possession of cocaine and fined roughly $1,500.

People have busy lives, and sometimes the only way to keep track of important events and dates is by keeping a diary. It might be a good idea to leave out any planned criminal activity, however. This seemingly never registered with Jonathan Ochola, who on June 12th, 2010 wrote: “Go Porsmouth (sic) robbery happens” in his diary. The police were able to link him to the robbery as the getaway driver, and when confronted, Ochola attempted to blame it entirely on his buddy.

We aren’t sure if there is a criminal handbook, but we have to guess that falling asleep in the house you are robbing has to be high on the “things not to do” list. Mark Smith must not have read that page. Smith decided to take a quick nap under his victim’s bed, drunk on vodka and high on Valium, only to be discovered by the homeowner who immediately called the police. We’ve heard of cat burglars before, but Smith seems to associate more with cat nappers.

So, we know you’re not supposed to bring a gun to a knife fight, but what about a baseball bat? This is exactly what Derrick Mosley did as he tried to rob a gun shop and steal a firearm, equipped only with a baseball bat and knife. Of course, the manager pulled out his own gun and held Mosley until the police arrived. Who would have imagined that the manager of a gun store would possess his own gun? Will wonders never cease?

Deciding to rob a muffler shop, Ruben Zarate brought a gun and demanded the money, only to discover that the money was in the safe that could only be opened by the absent store manager. He decided it would be a good idea to leave his numbers with the store employees so they could call him when the manager returned. Of course, they called the police, who set a trap for Zarate and arrested him. Heck, we’re just surprised Zarate didn’t leave his name, address, and social security number too.

Before we unveil our number one pick, here are a few honorable – or in this case dishonorable – mentions:
- Peter Addison
Wrote ‘Peter Addison Was Here’ at Crime Scene
- Trio of Colombian Robbers
Used a LOUD Donkey as Their Getaway Vehicle
- Joey Miller & Matthew McNelly
Disguised Their Faces with Permanent Marker
- Charles Ray Fuller
Tried to Cash a Check for $360 Billion
- 19 Criminals
Caught By a Police Sting That Offered Free Beer

Committing a crime is a stressful endeavor, and mistakes do happen. If there’s one thing all robbers should remember, however, it’s that your gun is your most valuable asset. This particular robber seemed to forget that fact as he attempted to rob the Halifax Bank in London. Demanding the teller fill the bag with money, he accidentally gave away his gun to the teller instead of the bag. After a brief moment of confusion, the bank worker retreated, forcing the robber to flee. At least he managed to escape with a bank employee’s bicycle, and so we still don’t know his name.

Do you agree with our list? What other criminals bring new meaning to the phrase, “Thick as thieves?” For more exciting Top 10s published daily, be sure to subscribe to WatchMojo.com.