Top 10 Hilariously Bad Relationship Tips from Cosmopolitan Magazine
COSMO magazine is known for its hilariously bad relationship advice. For this list, we're looking at the most eyebrow-raising, questionable pieces of advice on sex and relationships that Cosmopolitan has published over the years. Follow at your own discretion! Some bad tips include making him sneeze when you have sex, be wary of his buddies because if they're not interested in getting to you, then he definitely doesn't want to invest in the relationship. They also suggest you to use breasts as paint brushes, manscaping=cheating and more!
#10: Make Him Sneeze
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Not every piece of “quality advice” comes from the magazine itself, sometimes even Cosmo gets tips. In this case, a woman named Cindy, age 32, wrote in with this hot sex tip. “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes.” Her reasoning? Sneezes and orgasms feel similar, so one should amplify the other. Firstly, her claim that sneezing feels like an orgasm is questionable at best, but how in the world do you even begin to sprinkle pepper under someone’s nose during sex? Also, does anyone look sexy sneezing? Does Cindy live in a cartoon?
#9: Beware of His Buddies
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This charming piece of advice appeared on a list of “Surprising Signs He’ll Never Marry You”. Within, Cosmo tells women to consider it a red flag if your guy’s friends don’t pay enough attention to you. “The ugly truth,” they say is, “They don't want to invest time and energy getting to know you because they figure you're not going to be around very long.” This seems like a bit of a stretch. What if his friends just lack social skills, conversational skills, or are, you know, dicks? Should you really use that to gauge whether or not your boyfriend loves you?
#8: How to Exact Your Revenge
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In a list of “10 Things to Do if You Think Your Man Is Cheating”, you know Cosmo is going to recommend a lot of awful tips, but this suggestion takes the cake. They suggest putting off your breakup until he has a big meeting at work, and then, “give him a Sharpie mustache right before his alarm goes off.” We get it, being cheated on hurts, but is resorting to immature playground tricks really the best way to deal with it? Also, practically speaking, how many dudes sleep deeply enough that close to alarm time that they wouldn’t wake up while you’re drawing on them?
#7: Use Your Breasts as Paint Brushes
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Cosmo gives a lot of sex tips. It's kinda their thing. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise if they're not all winners. In 2014 they dragged up a Vintage Cosmopolitan Sex Tip, that being: "Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body. Then lick it off." There are so many issues with this. First, does anyone really want to eat edible body paint? Also, the average woman typically isn't equipped to paint with the finest amount of detail or control. It just sounds like a colossal mess and a lot of cleaning.
#6: Manscaping = Cheating
Infidelity is a real issue in many relationships, but over the years Cosmo has put out far too many articles that strike fear in the hearts of women over total nonsensical “signals”. In one such piece, they say: “If your man starts grooming down there without you requesting it, that could be an indication that he's spending more time naked.” Isn’t it possible he’s just trying to up his game a little? If you do the same thing, should he assume you’re cheating? You should be happy that he’s trying to look his best, and not jump straight to suspicions!
#5: Get Wrapped Up
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Another entry into the head scratching sex advice canon, this one will really make you think. In the print version of Cosmopolitan’s August 2012 edition, they suggest “Instruct him to wrap your chest and torso in plastic wrap and touch you through it — the muted sensation feels amazeballs.” Does anything say “sexy” like cling film? Or “amazeballs” for that matter... Honestly, this sounds like a waste of hormones, sexy times, and Saran wrap. Why not just tickle him through his shirt or something and skip the sandwich supplies?
#4: Hook Up with His Best Friend
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In an article listing “10 Ways to Get Revenge on an Ex”, the first piece of advice they give has you entering into a moral gray zone. They say, “You know his best friend — the guy he can't live without? Show up at his apartment wearing only a trench coat.” We get it, breakups can be awful, but shouldn’t we, as adults, be trying to take the high road? Also, yeah you’re on the warpath, but does some innocent dude whose only crime was being friends with your ex have to get caught in the crossfire?
#3: Sexual Interest Is a Sign of Infidelity
In a piece titled “4 Signs He's Hiding Something”, Cosmo tries to get you to distrust your man’s every move. The most perplexing insight they offer up is that his showing sexual interest in you could be a sign he’s cheating. They say, “maybe he's just extrahorny or you're looking extrahot, but a sudden surge in his sexual appetite can also be a sign that something's awry.” This bit of advice is pretty depressing, because it encourages you to jump to conclusions based on something that could be taken as a positive.
#2: A Well-Detailed Story Means He's Cheating
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In the same article that told you to be wary if your guy shows a spike in sexual interest, they also throw down a heads up if your man fellow should get a bit too detailed in his conversations. Or, as they put it: "If he's telling a story and you notice he's peppering it with insignificant details, that's a warning sign." That, or maybe he’s just not the best storyteller. Or maybe, just maybe, he thinks his girlfriend might be interested in the little things that he experienced throughout his day. Let’s work under the principle of innocent until proven guilty on this one. Before we unveil our top picks, here are a few honorable mentions. Get Frisky with a Fork Bring in the Element of Surprise Hit Him with a Brush
#1: Beware the Good Mood
You think they'd be tapped on the subject, but when it comes to sussing out a cheater, Cosmo still has this gem: "If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why." Does this really seem like sound reasoning? Is a man not allowed to have a good day and just simply be happy about the world around him, his job, his hobbies or even his perfectly functional relationship with you? There's jumping to conclusions and then there's pole-vaulting over plausibility. If he's happy, why not join in on that?
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