Top 10 Things in American Horror Story That Don't Make Sense

These zombie-like creatures were the result of Dr. Arden’s efforts to genetically engineer resistance to nuclear radiation. . . . using syphilis and tuberculosis, for some reason. The experiments failed, and the test subjects turned into ravenous monsters that eat raw meat. Let’s pretend for the sake of horror that that particular side effect somehow makes sense. There’s still the question of why the Raspers never wander off away from Briarcliff. OK, maybe they stick around because they’re guaranteed food . . . but you’re telling us that none of them has ever ambled off into public view, maybe chasing after a deer or something? One loose creatures would be enough to send Briarcliff tumbling down. Arsen is insanely lucky that his pets are so loyal.

One thing has been bugging us for a while – how exactly does ghost clothing work? This question stretches all the way back to season one. In it, some ghosts, including Tate, the Harmons, and Hayden, are seemingly able to change clothes, and Tate is even able to squeeze himself into a rubber suit. Exactly how is that? And furthermore, WHERE is their stash of clothing? Is there a communal ghost wardrobe or something? Why would a ghost even need to change clothes? And why can some ghosts don different attire while others seem to be stuck in the outfit they died in? . . . And . . . why do we have so many questions about ghost clothing!?

In the episode “Fearful Pranks Ensue”, Zoe comforts the undead Kyle after he kills his abusive mother. To make him feel better, she goes to make him a tuna salad. Yeah, that’ll help! Upon her return, she finds that the bloody and delirious Kyle is now missing. She looks for him for oh, about five seconds, but seems daunted by the fact that there are people in Halloween costumes around. Apparently it’s too difficult to search for a blood-soaked boy amid the skeletons and mummies. When next we see Zoe, she’s back at the Academy. So what . . . you just shrugged your shoulders and left a stitched-together corpse wandering the streets? What if he’s picked up by the cops? What if he kills someone?!

For those who don’t remember, episode three of “Roanoke” saw two feral, mud-covered boys suckling from the teat of a dead sow. Upon being taken away by the authorities, all they could say was “Croatoan,” a nod to the real story of the Lost Colony at Roanoke. Found carved into a palisade after the colony’s disappearance, “Croatoan” was the name of a nearby island and Native American tribe. But then the show . . . never brought the kids up again. So, what was that all about? Were they part of the Folk family? Was it just a “scare for the sake of a scare” strategy? It certainly seems so.

Elizabeth, AKA The Countess, is a 112 year old vampire. But since vampires don’t age, Elizabeth perpetually looks like a woman in her 20s. That’s fine and all, but Elizabeth is a major figure in the fashion world, not some recluse like Dracula. How on Earth do people around her not notice that she literally never gets older? Sure, given her social circle, it’d be reasonable for them to assume that she’s skilled with makeup and gets major work done . . . but even that can only hide the effects of aging for a time.

“Roanoke” was a lot like “Lost” – full of fantastic mysteries . . . that the writers had no intention of answering in a satisfying way. In the very first episode, Sarah Paulson’s character walks outside and discovers that it’s literally raining teeth. Very gross and creepy. Almost like it belongs in a scary promo! Unfortunately, that seems to have been its only purpose, as the show never brought it up again. Yeah, we learn later that the Polk family wear teeth necklaces for protection . . . But none of this explains why teeth were falling from the sky!

Dr. Bonham plays a minor role in “Freak Show”, serving as Ethel’s doctor and later offering to operate on Desiree. After Dell breaks his hands, Bonham’s daughter Brenda tells Ethel and Desiree a story about her father’s suicide that clearly doesn’t add up. Supposedly, he broke his own fingers with a hammer, then shot himself in the head. How the characters believe this is . . . just beyond us. First, why break his own fingers before shooting himself?! Second, how did he break the fingers on his second hand? And third, how did he shoot himself after breaking all of his fingers? Wake up, people!

When Shelby, Matt, and Lee are terrorized by murderous ghosts, they’re lucky to escape with their lives. They decide to share their story on “My Roanoke Nightmare,” and the show is such a roaring success that its gets a follow-up, “Return to Roanoke: Three Days in Hell”. Matt’s motive for returning is that he wants to be with Scathach; and his sister Lee wants to clear her name. But why on Earth would Shelby go back? Yeah, she wants to reconcile with her husband Matt, but she’s also aware that these ghosts are very real and very bloodthirsty. She’s literally putting her life on the line on the off chance of a reconciliation. That just ain’t worth it.

As an anthology series, “American Horror Story” has the same actors playing different characters. This would have been fine if the seasons didn’t intertwine with each other . . . but because they do, there are a ton of issues. For example, “Apocalypse” sees Sarah Paulson playing Wilhemina, Cordelia, AND Billie Dean! Are they long lost triplets or something? Also consider Naomi Grossman’s character Pepper, who appears in “Freak Show” and “Asylum”. Would she not find it strange that the inmates and head nun at Briarcliff look EXACTLY like the people she knew in Elsa’s Cabinet of Curiosities? We’re supposed to just suspend our disbelief, but come on, there’s only so much suspension we can do!

Soooo…what was with the aliens? Anybody know? Because we have no idea. The aliens abduct Kit and his wife Alma, outfitting the former with a microchip. They later show themselves to Jude, abduct Grace and Pepper, and seemingly gift Grace and Kit’s child with super alien abilities. In the end, they abduct Kit again for reasons unknown. And that’s that. No explanation given, no reasoning behind their actions, just…nothing. It seems like the writers just wanted to squeeze every horror trope into “Asylum,” and “aliens” was included on that list, even if it didn’t make a lick of sense within the context of the story.