Top 10 Ways That Michael Myers Could Actually Die

“Halloween Ends” is set to be the third entry in David Gordon Green’s sequel trilogy, and according to horror guru Randy… We’ll get to those other two options a little later, but the freezing one piques our interest. Sure, this is a little sillier than the general M.O. for the franchise, but if Laurie Strode and company can figure out a way to put the Shape on ice, it could give them the opportunity to make sure he’s gone for good. Obviously, any screenwriter worth their salt would simply have Michael break out cartoon caveman-style, but if he were frozen cryogenically, he could be easily busted up into pieces. Or, you know, just leave him that way and make him the future’s problem.

This one would definitely be lame, but at this point, how many more realistic options are there? Think about it: the new batch of “Halloween” movies take place forty years after the original, with “Ends” reportedly taking place four years after that. If our math’s right, then that puts Michael at a whopping sixty-five years old, practically ancient by slasher movie villain standards. Though he’s clearly still got it, we can’t imagine the folks at Blumhouse wanting an elderly statesman Michael still going at it into his seventies and eighties. So, assuming he really can’t be killed and he doesn’t develop a terminal illness, natural causes might actually be our best shot.

Again, this is probably one that any screenwriter would use to fake out the audience, only to reveal that Michael was still kicking. Still, Michael already isn’t the most respiratory slasher out there. Just listen to the guy try to breathe. So maybe Michael’s gonna be a little more vulnerable to having several liters of water poured down his throat. While there’s no precedent for this in the “Halloween” movies, this has temporarily worked on a slasher that’s somewhat similar to Michael: Jason Voorhees. Sure, the propeller to the neck certainly helped, but what really kept him down there was a well placed anchor. This could work with Michael, too, provided a psychic girl doesn’t revive him in the sequel.

Speaking of our old pal Jason, maybe we just need to accept that Michael Myers is truly unkillable, and that the best solution is to simply jettison him from our big, blue orb. Detaining him beforehand should be no problem, as Michael’s been captured surprisingly often in the movies. After the bedlam that is “Halloween Kills,” we’re sure Haddonfield could get the attention of Elon Musk or whichever billionaire’s going into space these days and get Michael a one-way ticket. Whether or not Michael actually dies outside the atmosphere is irrelevant. We just pity the futuristic space crew that unwittingly picks him up.

Granted, Michael’s come back from this setback before. In the original sequel, Laurie and Dr. Loomis are able to ignite gas tanks at Haddonfield Hospital. Michael looks like he’s gonna shrug it off, before indeed collapsing to end the movie. While his next appearance in “Halloween 4” would reveal the event merely put him in a coma, he was dead in the minds of moviegoers for the intervening seven years. Perhaps “Halloween Ends” could bring this ending back. While there’s no Sam Loomis to go down with him, maybe it could be Laurie this time who goes down in a literal blaze of glory.

The franchise originally conceived to go the anthology route, “Halloween III: Season of the Witch” doesn’t actually feature Michael Myers. This kept it from finding an audience for a while, but it’s since come back around in the horror community as something of a cult movie. The film centers around a company called Silver Shamrock, which mass produces pagan masks that kill users and those around them after being activated through the TV. Though fairly ridiculous, how cool would it be to learn Michael’s mask is a Silver Shamrock creation before it starts leaking a slew of creepy crawlies? Heck, the masks even make an appearance in “Halloween Kills,” so the company’s already been reestablished as canon in the new series.

This one’s too simple according to Randy Meeks, but it’s probably also too thematically appropriate to ignore. Though he can get creative from time to time, Michael’s weapon of choice is definitely his trusty kitchen knife. So, what better tool to use to return the favor than his own? Granted, Michael’s already bounced back from worse, but death by stabbing actually already has precedent in the franchise. In the theatrical version of Rob Zombie’s “Halloween II,” Laurie seemingly kills Michael for good, stabbing him repeatedly at the end of the movie. Though another sequel could’ve retconned this, the fact that we never got one does make this method a technical win.

Ah yes, fire. The ultimate cleanser of evil spirits. At least that’s what we learned from that “Haunting in Connecticut” movie everyone remembers. Okay, so technically this plan failed in 2018’s “Halloween,” but it would’ve been solid had Laurie accounted for those pesky firefighters doing their jobs. Maybe this time Laurie can collaborate with the Haddonfield FD on a more controlled burn. After all, they’ll definitely be seeking retribution after what Michael did to their crew. Seeing as “Halloween Ends” will cap off the new trilogy, this could possibly tie back nicely with the ending of the first movie, only this time Laurie succeeds in sending Michael somewhere he’ll be burning for even longer.

Falling may not be as intense a way to go than other entries on this list, but it might prove to be the most cathartic in this instance. Think about it: the last sequence of the original “Halloween” is historic, ending with Michael being shot off a balcony by Loomis. Only when Loomis looks again, Michael has vanished, surviving both the gunfire and the fall. Cut to “Resurrection” in an alternate timeline, which opens with Michael fatally stabbing Laurie before throwing her off a roof to her own demise. Perhaps “Ends” could see them both fall together. Though they’d probably want to make it the highest building possible just to make sure. Haddonfield’s in Illinois; maybe they could take a trip to the Willis Tower.

Just kidding! We just wanted an excuse to play that clip.

Based on “Halloween” logic, we could honestly see Michael surviving any of the previous afflictions. But cutting off his head straight-up is about as definitive of an end as he could possibly get. It’s such a good idea, in fact, that it’s been staged this way before, as the end of “Halloween: H20” sees Laurie take an axe to his head after pinning him to a tree. “H20” isn’t a perfect movie, but this conclusion proved pretty satisfying for a while. That is until “Resurrection” came along and retconned it by explaining Michael secretly switched places with a paramedic beforehand. Perhaps David Gordon Green and company could correct this mistake by restoring Michael’s rightful ending.