Top 10 Worst Christmas Songs of ALL TIME

Ohhh... you... shouldn't have. You really shouldn't have. Welcome to WatchMojo.com and today we’ll be counting down our picks for the top 10 Worst Christmas Songs. 
 
For today's list we will be looking at the Christmas songs that make you wonder if once a year is just a little too often. While Christmas songs in general are a mixed bag to say the least we will be looking at particular recordings rather than just the songs in general.
 
 

Dating back to 1955, “Nuttin' for Christmas” is a weak member of the Christmas canon at the best of times. The song has been a good fit for child singers like Shirley Temple, an oddly saucy vehicle for full grown adults like Eartha Kitt, and was a baffoonishly goofy track when Smash Mouth teamed up with Rosie O'Donnell... but then this happened. Relient K's take on the track is all over the place, from its ill-fitting faux-punk attitude to the thankfully brief polka segment. Stranger still, the song ends with someone rambling about the polar icecaps melting and upsetting Santa, which thankfully is quickly shot down.
 
 

Most versions of this Hawaiian flavoured classic tend to be upbeat and bouncy... not so this time around. Sounding like it's being played back on a turntable with a bad belt or a walkman with dying batteries, She & Him's take on “Mele Kalikimaka” borders on mournful. The slide guitar is a good idea in theory, but it sounds more haunting than festive, and some drums wouldn't go unnoticed, although the quick guitar solo is very much on point. However, aside from the Andrews Sisters style harmonies, the vocals are fairly lifeless and with the instruments so low in the mix one wonders why they didn't just go acapella and be done with it.  
 
 

Christmas music is a lucrative market- do it right and you're set for life-, so you can't blame a Wahlberg for trying. Credited to Donnie with Maurice Starr, “Funky, Funky Xmas” doesn't really live up to its funky, funky title. The bass line has potential but beyond that there's very little “funk” to be found. The drums sound suspiciously Casio, while Santa sounds a bit like a guy from Boston with a mouth full of dinner rolls... neither of which are terribly funky.  Additionally, aside from our preconceived notions of what “funk” is and isn't, New Kids on The Block never really establish what constitutes a “funky, funky” Christmas or how exactly one can “funk” up their holidays. 




 

It's really hard to know exactly what Aqua wants us to take from all this. A thick slice of the band's over the top Europop, “Spin Me a Christmas” doesn't really have many of the seasonal trappings. With its fake plastic snow, stabs on Hollywood ideals and the commercial side of the holidays, it sounds like an attack on the phoniness of the modern Christmas, but it’s hard to tell. Do they hate the phoniness? Do they love the phoniness? Or do they just love/hate that everyone else loves/hates the phoniness? Do they not like Wham!? And why didn't they key out the green screen from the igloo's foyer? These questions are far too complex when you're starry-eyed and full of eggnog... 
 
 

Oh there's so much to unpack here... Let's ignore that somehow this song led to a novella that then led to a TV movie that-hopefully- led to Rob Lowe profiting handsomely. Let's also ignore the overly dramatic key change, the awful piezo [pee-ay-zo] acoustic guitar, and the addition of a children's choir. This boy's mother is potentially hours from death- why is he buying her shoes? Are there shoes in heaven? Are the shoes dying too? The boy explains the shoes are so that his mother can look good for Jesus but Jesus didn’t even wear shoes! He died barefoot and lived an entire life without having ever seen shoes. That's just rude, especially on his birthday! The narrator then suggests that all of this was so that he could re-learn the true meaning of Christmas, which would mean God put this young boy and his mother through a life of misery just to teach a Dan Hill-wannabe a lesson in charity.
 
 

Well, unlike some Christmas songs, it is funky but it's also... troubled. Painting a world where Santa does PCP and snow comes with a straw, “Murder City Xmas” is not exactly a Hallmark picture of the holidays. Jamie Madrox describes himself as a recreational serial killer longing to turn pro, while Shaggy 2 Dope is busy calling in New Years Eve bomb threats. Worse still, Monoxide Child is out to kill some mother fudger and Violent J is under the mistaken belief that Rudolph is some sort of low level pimp and not a red-nosed reindeer. The narrative is also inconsistent with Santa- who abruptly switches from PCP to crack, and from being mugged to trading VCRs for marijuana buds.
 
 

It may be a prodding, pointless bit of hip-pop. It may even be the result of someone getting a synth and sampler for Christmas. And it's possible it exists only to grab some song-writing royalties on an album filled with cover tracks, but consider this... at least it's short. And she’s not wrong, it IS Christmas Time.
 
 

Sampling “Deck the Halls” and “The Little Drummer Boy” and backed with a rhythm that'll have you sticking your chest out in time, Lady Gaga's “Christmas Tree” may not be what it seems. Picking up on Jimmy Butler's Christmas Tree as a lady garden metaphor, the presented evidence seems to suggest it's not “Christmas Cheer” Gaga's spreading at all. With her “tree” taken to be her baby hatch, coupled with her request to be on top, her nude associate's desire to be under said “tree”, and her repeated claims that her tree is “delicious” all signs suggest it's not Santa's lap Ms Germanotta intends to sit on. Well, that and Gaga herself has suggested that Christmas is the horniest of holidays. 
 
 

Coming from Bieber's star packed, Billboard topping Under the Mistletoe album, “Drummer Boy” ultimately amounts to a lame cover of an already lame song. Featuring a snare drum that sounds like a pan of Jiffy Pop, Biebs has trouble sticking to the song's fairly limited melody and sings in a way that seems to anticipate auto-tune. Lyrically things don't fair much better. While it's already a terrible idea to play drums for an infant it's unlikely the baby Jesus or his Aramaic speaking parents would be all that impressed with Bieber's totally dope rhymes and 20th century references. Furthermore, standing figuratively before the baby Jesus, JB shows no humility but is instead surprised that the Book of Justin didn't make it into the Bible. 
 
Before we unwrap our top pick here are some honourable mentions.
 
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” (2006)
Twisted Sister
 
“Millenium Prayer” (1999)
Cliff Richard

 

Routinely named as one of the worst songs ever written by anyone- Beatle or otherwise- “Wonderful Christmastime” splits the room from the first note. Featuring McCartney alone, noodling on a Sequential Circuits Prophet-5 synthesizer, the track actually hit #6 in the UK when it was released but barely charted at all in the United States and missed the Billboard Hot 100 completely. The textbook example of post-Beatle criticisms towards McCartney, “Wonderful Christmastime” is vapidly uninspired, monotonous, and repetitive- but yet it gets covered. And despite being a Christmas favourite of virtually no one, the track not only gets consistent seasonal airplay but also reportedly earns Macca a cool $400k in royalties every year. It's simply a baffling Christmas tune.