Top 5 Bloody Shark Attack Facts

In a manner of speaking, that is. No offense to any particular delicious snack food, but, according to some 20 year-old American statistics, vending machines are responsible for at least twice as many deaths per year than sharks. Granted, these stats don’t account for the sudden appearance of Sharknados in 2013.

Many people think that sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, and that’s why they very rarely bite off and eat a piece of anybody; most bites are just quick, exploratory grabs. But others theorize that what the sharks learn from their dental probing is not that humans taste gross, but that we’re too bony. They’d much prefer a nice blubbery seal. Furthermore, if a shark bit you, there’s a good chance you deserved it, and that you were a man. About half of all shark attacks are provoked– meaning the victim touched or pursued the shark. And a massive 92% of all Great White shark attack victims are male. So, either men do a lot more diving and surfing than women, or sharks are sexist.

#3: Best to Go Three Stooges On His Ass

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Shark self-defense experts– which is a designation we just invented– say that there are a few things you can do once you’ve been bitten. First, don’t panic. Remember, they are just tasting, and once they realize you eat mostly Doritos and taste awful, they’ll let you go. So don’t freak out, but don’t play dead either; sharks wait till things are dead to swallow them. You’re best move is to hit it in the eyes or gills. That’s where the shark is most sensitive, and such an attack has only one known defense.

#2: “Free Willy” Pwns “Jaws”

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Sharks like the great white are of course known to humans as ferocious killers, while orcas are good time, trick flippin’ Sea World mascots– despite the fact that they are called killer whales. But a major food source for many orcas are actually sharks Marine biologists say that some orca populations actually specialize in pack hunting predator sharks, including the great white and tiger sharks. I don’t know who handles PR for Shamu, but they’re earning their pay.

Don’t worry guys, we got this. Our best estimates tell us that brave human hunters kill about 100 million of these terrifying superfish every year. That’s at least 10 million of them for every one of us. And nevermind that only a fraction of shark species have ever been implicated in a human injury– we’re coming for all y’all! Sadly, many cities have placed a ban on shark fin soup, hoping to give a traitorous boost to the murderous deathfish populations. But don’t worry, scientists say that without a drastic reduction in shark hunting, we’ll extinct those demon-possessed aquatic chainsaws in no time. So, which of these facts surprised you? And how would you– malevolent. Should have said murderous and malevolent. For more predatory Top 10s and swallowed-by-a-whale Top 5s, be sure to subscribe to WatchMojo.com.