Top 10 Things British People Worry About

Forget political tensions with Russia, it’s the cold war with the weather we need to concern ourselves over! And, it's a battle we routinely lose. You'd think by now the UK would’ve got itself prepared… But no, a few drops of snow and everything goes all “The Day After Tomorrow”, with society grinding to a complete standstill. No public transport running to get you to work, flights halted and supermarkets under stocked; every bloody year. The well-pedalled phrase “winter is coming” is arguably far more ominous for your everyday Brit than it is for a citizen of The North in Westeros!

An incoming call from someone who isn’t saved in your contacts? So, how does this caller even have your details? What is this technological sorcery?! And in the age of instant messaging where people don’t even have to make the effort of speaking to communicate, why is this renegade even seeking to use a form of voice-to-voice communication now almost as archaic as sending a scroll via pigeon? It could be to tell you a loved one has been taken; or, an annoying PPI call – probably the latter. Either way... you’ll leave it to voicemail.

Leaving a tip is more of an American custom, however, Brits typically feel obliged to do the same out of politeness. After all, you don’t want your waiter or barber thinking you’re tight. But what if you don’t realise that you don’t have any change until it’s just too late? Will you leave a note as a tip just to save face? You could simply apologise for your lack of spare pound coins, but then you could end up being considered cheap and a bold-faced liar. If all else fails, just avoid eye contact and awkwardly shuffle out of the nearest exit.

The tensest day of football’s transfer window is always the last. Because, that’s when the last-minute, big money deals go down that can make or break a club’s season. Will your team finally land that world class superstar striker you’ve been missing? Or a no-nonsense defender to steer you out of relegation? Perhaps your side is about to be taken over by billionaires, ready to throw all kinds of money at the world’s best. Or, maybe you’re about to lose your key player to your local rival. Whether it’s Jim White’s excitable coverage on “Sky Sports News”, or Harry Redknapp speaking to reporters out of a car window – football fans feel obliged to follow every single second of it.

Is there anything worse than when you’re craving cod and chips, only for the chippie to be closed… at five? On a Tuesday? Closing early on a Sunday is one thing, but often the nation’s chip shops seem to operate within their own exclusive time zones – which rarely seem to match with when you’re actually hungry. And it’s not something we can easily let go, either. If our usual shop is shut, then we’re off an adventure around town, trying our luck at every other place that might possibly serve us a large portion with a battered sausage. Once we’re set on ‘chips for tea’, there’s just no stopping us.

While many outdoor sports play on in the rain, it takes but a bit of water descending from the heavens at Wimbledon to completely ruin everything. Sure, Centre Court has a roof now, so it’s not quite as bad as it once was, but grey clouds on the horizon are still eyed with genuine fear at SW19. It’s frustrating enough if play is postponed when you were waiting to watch it on TV at home with the Hobnobs close to hand… But that’s nothing compared to the total let down live spectators feel, having travelled far and wide for dreary disappointment.

Because, what actually are the rules for waiting in a lift with strangers? Where do you look? How do you stand? Does small talk make you polite, or creepy? These are surely life lessons that we should’ve been taught at school, but no! You could just try to block out the whole situation and pretend to focus on your phone… but everyone knows you’re not getting any kind of signal in a lift. And God help you if the thing breaks down! There’s no getting out of it then, you’ve got to acknowledge everyone else around you. Urgh!

There aren’t many things more satisfying in life than a warm, moist, dripping biscuit; fresh from being dipped in a hot cuppa. Right? But the high reward comes with high risk. Because, every dunk is a gamble; every dip is a game of biscuit roulette. And, that healthy percentage of biscuit you lower into your scorching liquid could end up like the T-800 at the end of “T2”. And the tragedy’s all too much. Remember, that some snacks can handle the heat for longer than others, so know your biscuit! A tea with slushy crumbs at the bottom is not something to be taken lightly, dammit!

The price of property? Petrol? Food? Please, we all know the cost of a beer down your local takes priority above everything else. There’s no surer way of sizing up how the economy’s going. And besides, a round in London could end up costing you most of a mortgage, anyway! So, you have to keep your guard up, but it’s never that advisable to actually question however much you have to pay. Just politely smile, moan about it later, and consider a pint of tap water the next time you’re buying.

Rule number one for riding the bus; don’t be that person that takes up two seats unnecessarily. Rule number two; hope and pray that no one actually takes the seat next to yours. Because when the inevitable does happen, how on Earth are you supposed to deal with it? Are you supposed to talk to them? Is it rude if you don’t respond at length when they start chatting to you? What if you actually fancy a chinwag – is it even socially permissible to strike up conversation? Maybe it’s best to just stick your music in and stare straight ahead. Or maybe that’s the rudest solution of all??