Top 10 Awkward Valentine's Day Gift FAILS

A trip to the zoo can be a fun Valentine’s Day activity, considering adorable animals almost always elicit a positive response. Who doesn’t love seeing wobbly penguins, fluffy red pandas, and… cockroaches? Hey, they can supposedly survive a nuclear disaster, so we guess they could work as a creepy, crawly representation of the strength of your relationship! While we sorta get it, we’re willing to bet your partner won’t see it the same way… even with the Bronx Zoo’s Valentine’s Day offer to let you and your sweetie name one. If you insist on making this odd gesture, just make sure to reserve your roaches online first, at “bronxzoo.com/roach”. Seriously.

Ah, tattoos: the ultimate sign of being devoted to a person. Sure, there’s always the potential for a breakup, but you can’t think like that when it comes to love! In fact, why not go all out? Why settle for a name when you can tattoo your lover’s FACE onto your body? We’re sure your lover really wants to see his or her face staring back at them while you two are getting intimate on Valentine’s Day. Uh, in case it was unclear… we’re being sarcastic. There are many creative ways to do couple’s tattoos, but a name -- and worse, a face -- are two expressions of love that are best avoided.

The go-to date for Valentine’s Day is, of course, dinner at a restaurant. People reserve tables well in advance so they can have an evening full of… attractive women in tight tank tops? Every food establishment -- fast or otherwise -- has specials for the young lovers who walk through their doors. This apparently includes a certain restaurant chain that’s more known for their wait staff than their food. Huh, wonder why? Look, there’s nothing wrong with these establishments, but maybe resist Pizza Hut’s extravagant engagement package on February 14th. At the very least… go to Red Lobster.

Not everyone can be with their significant other on Valentine’s Day. Some people rely on phone calls, emails, chatting, or… the Kissenger. We understand the longing to kiss a loved one, especially if you haven’t seen them in a while, but kissing a robotic pig doesn’t really seem like the solution. We’re not quite sure how it emulates your partner’s lips, but apparently, when you both have one hooked up to a computer, it’s just like the real thing! We have our doubts… but hey, maybe it’s a good way practice at least? No one likes being called rusty when it comes to kissing.

You know how movies show “partner A” resting their head on “partner B’s” chest, listening to their heartbeat? That’s all well and good, but it’s kind of a hard position to maintain overnight if you’ve ever attempted it IRL. Thankfully, there is a way to listen to that heartbeat without waking up with a stiff neck. Introducing the “hey, isn’t this taking things a little far?” Pillow Talk heartbeat! You can put this device under your pillow and hear your lover’s heart beating as long as they wear the matching wristband. Sounds great! But does it come with instructions for giving it to a partner without coming off as insanely clingy?

If you thought “couples’ sweaters” were over-the-top… you’re right! But there’s an evolved form that’ll make you long for the days where you and your significant other wore matching tops. You can now SHARE a sweater with your partner for maximum awkward snuggling and uncomfortable handholding. And if you two wanna take things up to the bedroom, fear not, because there’s something equally terrible available for those intimate moments: Fundies, because nothing says fun like sharing underwear. Seriously, if you want your naked genitalia to be that close to your partner, just drop the undergarments altogether.

This should go without saying, but just in case: Don’t. Get. Any. Gifts. That. Revolve. Around. WEIGHT. No exercise equipment. No gym memberships. And do not, for the love of Cupid, bring up any form of dieting. Any well meaning “I thought you said you wanted to lose weight” gifts will have the exact opposite effect, even if it’s a joke present like this scale. Despite its chocolate treats and encouraging messages, the simple fact that it’s a scale will overshadow all else. So just get a box of chocolates and tell your partner that they tip the scales of love for you. Just kidding. We don’t mention weight remember? Not even in a cute joke.

Let’s be honest: chocolate is THE Valentine’s Day treat. It’s delicious. It’s sexy. And it’s apparently a great way to tell someone that they’re full of crap. Wait, what? Ohhhh, this is for Valentine’s Day, so maybe it’s a subtle way to tell someone that you want experiment in the bedroom? You know what we mean… We understand wanting to put a creative spin on an old classic, but eating anus-shaped candy isn’t how we want to end our romantic evening… no matter how sensual they try to make the product look. This might be the one time you hope the chocolate melts in your hand, and not in your mouth.

Alright, the Kissenger didn’t land, but what if we tone it down a bit? You can work up to simulated kissing with some simulated hugging! Flowers are about as played out as the phrase “played out,” so why not embrace your intimate side and give this clearly superior gift. You can wrap these arms around your waist like an inner tube, or around your neck like a uniquely designed scarf… that talks. If a hug isn’t enough, you can always upgrade to the Boyfriend Pillow, because why sleep alone when you can sleep with a stuffed torso and outstretched arm? In case our awful sales pitch didn’t say it loud enough… “THESE ARE ALL BAD IDEAS”.

Before we get to the least romantic gift, let’s add these dishonorable mentions to the “no” column:
- Buy His & Her Tongue Scrapers
- Buy Some Fake Dog Poop Art

Remember our warning about weight-related gifts? Take that same rule and multiply it by 9000 -- sorry, over 9000 – when it comes to gifts involving engagement. Valentine’s Day is a prime opportunity to pop the question, so the last thing any sane individual should ever do is offer up a MOCK proposal. The 2-Carat Mug sits inside of a black ring box, with the ring facing outward. It may look legit, but when you pull the ring out, you discover that it’s attached to the mug. Do not, repeat, DO NOT give any sort of ring on Valentine’s Day unless you’re ready to make a long-term commitment. Or ready to get dumped.

Do you agree with our list? What Valentine’s Day gifts do you stay away from? For more top ten lists that won’t make you sleep on the couch, be sure to subscribe to WatchMojo.com.