Top 10 Funniest Schmidt Quotes on New Girl

Schmidt can be described as a lot of things, but flexible is not one of them. During season 1, Jess frequently clashes with her roommate due to their polar opposite personalities, and no other quote exemplifies this conflict better than Schmidt's tirade about pine. Schmidt likes the finer things in life and has no qualms stating as much, going as far as to shut down Jess's attempt to add a hutch to the loft. As the person who maintains the apartment, Schmidt would prefer if everyone else just got in line with his vision.

With his wedding to Cece on the horizon, Schmidt jumps into overdrive to ensure everything is ready for the event. Along with just being a hilarious quote that works on multiple levels, Schmidt's "D-Day" speech speaks volumes about the character's desire to craft the perfect ceremony worthy of such a momentous day. Putting aside his self-aggrandizing tendencies, Schmidt knows how to motivate the troops, or in this case, Nick, Jess, and Winston. The icing on the cake is Schmidt's devilish smile, as the character knows full well that this quote is inappropriate.

Schmidt has a way of making even the dumbest of things sound epic. After being forced to share a room with Nick and also seeing his best friend drop the ball in a product focus group, Schmidt unleashes a thinly veiled insult that also highlights the pair's unbreakable friendship. Schmidt is inspired by Nick's caveman-like behavior to constantly try to become a better person, or at the very least someone who does not resort to using their foot to clean a beer spill. Like a phoenix and ash, Schmidt and Nick cannot exist without the other.

Moving to a new house can be stressful, especially when the neighborhood has recently experienced an upswing in crime. After reading some nerve-racking statistics and being startled by an immediate loud noise, Schmidt wastes no time in putting the two together. The criminals in question prove to be just Nick and Jess, although the pair's successful break-in only adds to Schmidt and Cece's worries. Schmidt spends the rest of the episode trying to keep the criminals from the statistics out of his and Cece's new home, to rather mixed results.

When Jess begins to go off the rails after being let go from her teaching job, the loft's other tenants have to deal with some pretty insane stuff, including an uncanny cloth collage and an egg-themed breakfast. Although Jess is clearly not in the best place and could probably use some words of encouragement, Schmidt is way too distracted by his roommate's cooking method to think of anything else. Schmidt's criticisms tend to not be mean-spirited, but they do highlight the character's slightly unyielding mentality and rigid desire to control everything in the loft.

Schmidt is the master of wordy and confusing metaphors that are simultaneously cool-sounding and also really weird. Schmidt spends the best part of season 2 trying to win back Cece after foolishly breaking up with her at the end of the previous year, and this quote did not help his case all that much. As bizarre as the whole line is, the character delivers it with such confidence that it might have worked if Cece was not already desensitized to Schmidt's shtick and in the middle of trying to find a partner at an Indian marriage convention.

Before becoming the butt of so many jokes, Winston's arrival threatened Schmidt's status as the loft's top dog. With the big room on the line, Schmidt turned to Nick for some positive reinforcement and to show off a "nectar" thumb ring. On a side note, "nectar" is a volleyball term that means a perfect set. Nick deserves all the credit in the world for keeping a straight face during Schmidt's slang-filled speech. Schmidt generally only speaks like this to the people closest to him, so Nick ends up hearing the brunt of it.

"The Story of the 50" is such a great early Schmidt episode. Not only does the main plot revolve around the character's upcoming birthday, but the episode also has the "Twenty-Nine" moment between Jess and Schmidt and makes some brilliant use of the Douchebag Jar. While far from the only jar-worthy line uttered during the episode, the final montage throws out one hilarious quote after another before culminating with one that captures Schmidt at his Schmidtiest. Even as the jar repeatedly fills up with his hard-earned cash, Schmidt does not even consider changing, and everyone's better off for it.

Schmidt cannot handle death and is especially uncomfortable at open-casket funerals. However, Schmidt is the type of person who is willing to face his fears, even if it involves kissing Winston on the forehead or diving headfirst into a casket. In what could be seen as an inspirational moment, Schmidt conquers death and stops a robbery by doing an impersonation of a drinking bird with a macabre sense of humor. Acting tough and shouting nonsense while doing something incredibly stupid and bizarre represents Schmidt at the height of his powers.
Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions.

Judaism, "The 23rd"
Because This Quote Is Just So Schmidt

His Opinion of Bathtubs, "Bathtub"
Because Schmidt Really Does Not Want a Bath in the Loft

Winston, "All In"
Because Schmidt Is Not Afraid to Ask the Difficult Questions

“The Economy Stinks” Rant, "Backslide"
Because Nobody Understands Schmidt’s Pain

Loafers On, "Control"
Because Schmidt Might Be Tough Like a Marine, But He Appreciates Comfortable Footwear

After spending Valentine's Day as the third wheel in Jess's one night stand, Schmidt leaves to find that his car has none. Stuck with a ride that cannot drive and a Jess that is running out of patience, Schmidt wastes absolutely no time in pinpointing the culprits. As strange as the one-word quote sounds, Schmidt's conviction allows the line to leapfrog over any awkwardness en route to becoming iconic. Schmidt saying "youths" is such an inherently perfect quote that "New Girl" has the character repeat it multiple times during the same episode, and it is always hilarious.