Top 10 Horror Survival Guide

Actually, let’s take it back a step and instead begin with this little nugget of wisdom: “trust your instincts”. We’d say “go with your gut”, but that feels like we’d be setting ourselves up to be disemboweled by the killer! So yeah… “trust your instincts”. And one of the most basic but effective ways you can do this is by avoiding any and all buildings, locations, rooms and/or environments that give off a bad vibe. This includes such classic and universally recognized creepy places like attics, basements, cellars, dilapidated barns, abandoned houses, etc. It can equally apply to more mundane environments like say… the woods, corn fields or tall grass, but which, for whatever reason, give you a “no-feeling” in that moment.

Heartless? Maybe. But this genre is crawling with creepy children. Within the context of a horror movie, kids are (in the absolutely best case scenario) a liability. In the worst case scenario? They could literally be the death of you. When you see a child and no clear sign of adult supervision, your immediate inclination is to help. Unfortunately, within a horror movie, that’s usually the point. The inherent innocence, helplessness and lack of obvious threat that a child represents makes you drop your guard. But they’re likely ghosts, pint-sized killers or have been possessed. So don’t follow them down the hallway, call child services! And the second something seems even the slightest bit off about them, get out of there! This all goes double for twins.

In the Internet age, there’s simply no excuse to have not internalized this concept. When you get a pop-up offering you a free Nintendo Switch or telling you that you’re the winner of a million dollar jackpot, do you click on it? No! Well, when you find yourself in a horror film, you need to apply the same logic. Is someone offering you a large sum of money to stay in a spooky house for the night or wiping your debt in exchange for participation in a trial of some sort? Chances are that the personal cost to you will be far steeper than advertised. Most likely... it’ll cost you your life! As they say, there’s no such thing as a free lunch.

When something is trying to kill you, your top priority needs to be getting away. Now, the situation likely dictates that you take some other measures in the meantime. If you’re in a house you might want to barricade the doors. Perhaps you need to find yourself a weapon. Whatever other survival efforts you’re making, however, escape should remain your top priority. Do what you must to stay alive, but do it with your eyes peeled for a window of opportunity to get away. When it presents itself, start running and don’t stop! Did you make it to a road? Is a car coming towards you? Keep going, it’s likely a trap. And seriously, watch your step… for whatever reason, horror movie characters always trip.

Is it old and mysterious? Is it covered in dust? Did you just so happen to find it in one of the aforementioned creepy places that we already said you shouldn’t enter? Then leave it alone. The older and more unique an object appears to be, the deadlier the repercussions are likely to be. If it looks magical or enchanted, chances are that it is, in fact, cursed. Because spoiler… in horror cinema, magic only ever does bad things! So don’t pick up the monkey paw or gaze into that gilded mirror. And under no circumstances should you read a book or inscription, especially if you don’t understand it. Just walk away! Then you can buy yourself something online that’s, you know, not evil.

When you’re living out the plot of a horror film, the oddballs are not to be ignored. Within this specific, deadly context, that which is typically dismissed as the “ravings of a lunatic” becomes almost prophetic. The hermit, village idiot, cackling cat lady and residents of the local insane asylum? They know best! Such figures typically speak in riddles or deliver their warnings in an unconventional, off-putting or disturbing way. But it falls to you to parse meaning from their statements like your life depends on it. Because it does! Now, while the crazy people are the ones whose opinion you should hold in the highest regard, you’re best to play it safe and take into consideration any and all warnings, regardless of the source.

Harsh… we know. But if you’ve seen any horror movies, you know that when someone is missing from the group, their odds are not good. If they’ve somehow managed to survive on their own (again… slim), then hopefully they’ve hidden themselves away somewhere while whatever lethal threat continues to focus on the core group. So by that logic, trying to find the missing person does little good. Seeking them out might just put them in harm’s way and it’s almost guaranteed to put you and your fellow survivors at risk as well. Whether they’re alive or dead (again… most likely dead), looking for a missing person is ill-advised. But hey, if they are still alive, maybe they’ll provide a last minute save! But probably not.

If you’re in a movie, who says that you can’t rewrite the plot? Don’t wanna become just another victim? Then don’t act like one. The “final girl” trope, for all its flaws and problematic elements, offers many lessons for staying alive. One of the defining final girl characteristics is that they’re proactive. Rather than running, hiding and screaming, lay traps for the killer. Arm yourself with a weapon not just to be used as a last resort in self-defense, but to be aggressively wielded against your foe. Whether you’re facing a flesh and blood killer or a supernatural force, the villain’s biggest weakness is overconfidence; they assume that they’re in control. One of their victims going from prey to predator is just about the last thing a killer expects.

Okay, if you’re in a horror movie, you’re pretty much guaranteed to be living in at least a PG-13 world. What we mean by kicking it down a notch to “keep it PG” is… no sexual activity. One of the cardinal rules of the horror genre is that those characters who get busy onscreen are doomed to meet a grisly fate. Again, the “final girl” archetype can help serve as a guide. Though there are many characteristics shared by final girls from throughout horror cinema history, their virginal qualities (or at least a lack of promiscuity) is a major component. Now before you get too excited fellas, the connection between sex and death holds true for you also! So yeah… keep your pants on.





Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions.

Always Keep Your Car Well-Maintained


Assume Your Attacker Is Still Alive Regardless of What You Did to Them


Own Up to Your Past Misdeeds


Leave Urban Legends Untested


Call the Police

Be it by a serial killer, supernatural force or some monster born of science, when you’re being hunted, it pays to follow the lead of the creatures who have the most experience: herding animals! As a group, you become harder to pick off. But for whatever reason, horror movie characters always default to the mentality of “divide and conquer”. It’s almost as if they can’t help themselves.. While splitting up might get certain survival-related tasks done quicker, efficiency won’t do you much good when you’re dead. And the fewer people you are, the more vulnerable you become. So don’t do solo or sub-group investigations and don’t say “Be right back,” Just stick together, and some of you might actually survive to appear in the sequel!