Top 10 Movie Monologues that Really Suck

After she took on the role of Bella in “Twilight,” it’s hard to describe Kristen Stewart as a revered Hollywood actress. She did nothing to enhance her reputation in this retelling of the classic fairytale. Best described as safely generic, the rallying cry in question comes just after Snow White wakes from a slumber induced by Queen Ravenna’s poison apple. However, by the look on Snow’s face, she’s still half asleep. Aside from raising the volume of her voice, Stewart is as wooden as ever, barely looking anything more than mildly displeased at the oppression she has suffered her whole life. We all thought Bella was gone after “Twilight” concluded, but this is all too reminiscent of that moody teenager.

Feeling like an abstract Monty Python sketch rather than the opening to a fantasy flick, Zardoz’s floating head bounces around the screen, rambling about god and the entertainment business. Well at least we think that’s what’s going on; it’s not entirely clear. Just to compound your confusion, Zardoz’s beard is drawn on with what seems to be a sharpie and his headdress looks like it’s made from a simple tea towel, leaving you wondering if the whole thing is one big mistake. Despite the fact that this is one of the most bizarre movie beginnings ever, it actually does a pretty good job of setting the tone for the rest of this hilariously corny flick, which also gives us the pleasure of seeing Sean Connery in a diaper.

He may not have had much to work with, but the Muscles from Brussels sure does a magnificent job of butchering pretty much every line in this typically abysmal video game adaptation. We know he can act – his monologue in JCVD was excellent – yet as Colonel Guile he’s nearly unintelligible, and what you can understand is rendered accidentally hilarious thanks to his thick, supervillain-esque Belgian accent. It’s incredible that such a mediocre speech came from the likes of Steven E. de Souza, the same man who penned endlessly quotable hits from the ‘80s and ‘90s like the first two “Die Hard” movies. Though the speech may be hard to understand, at least it sounds vaguely motivational - so he deserves a small cheer for that.

#7: Colin Firth’s Generic Final Speech “The Last Legion” (2007)

Also in:

Top 10 Colin Farrell Performances

Colin Firth has often been typecast as a suave, dashing English gent, and after his role as general Aurelius in the Roman Army, you’ll understand why. This movie is loosely based on the story of the demise of the Western Roman Empire, except there’s barely a sliver of originality in any scene - which is demonstrated by this rousing speech. Honestly, you could stick this passage of dialogue in literally any war movie. Firth, to his credit, gets a little worked up, but as a viewer you can actually see all the mandatory elements for such a speech being ticked off: swelling music? Check. Call to action? Check. Punchy catchphrase? Check. You’ve seen all these tropes before, and after this snooze-fest, you can only pray you’ll never have to suffer through them again.

#6: Rocky Solves the Cold War “Rocky IV” (1985)

Also in:

Top 10 Best Moments From The Rocky Franchise

The Italian Stallion usually inspires us through acts of sheer physical will and awesome montages, though he never quite sets the world on fire with his verbal eloquence. However, after defeating the steroid-enhanced Ivan Drago and turning a previously partisan USSR crowd to his side, Rocky uses the platform he has to give a slurring speech imploring everyone – including members of the Politburo – to unite and move on from Cold War animosity. In a film rammed with kitschy moral lessons, this contrived final speech written by Sylvester Stallone himself attempts to turn Balboa into some sort of social arbiter… when three films before this he could barely spit out “Adrian” coherently! Let your fists do the talking next time, Rocky.

Oh M. Night, what happened? How can the same guy who gave us “The Sixth Sense” come up with this tripe? Throughout this thriller/unintentional comedy, there are a number of horribly written passages of dialogue, yet the one we’ve chosen is by far the worst. Trying to get back at his wife for going out for tiramisu with another guy – yes, it’s that specific – Mark Wahlberg’s character Elliot confesses that he nearly spent $6 on cough syrup just to talk to a cute pharmacist. In a perfect storm of awful, Wahlberg’s famously perma-surprised performance combines with Shyamalan’s horrendous script writing in what could well be one of the hardest scenes to watch in film history.

Watching Tommy Wiseau’s disaster of a romantic drama these days is a bewildering guilty pleasure for many, and it’s scenes like this that fans love. Let’s all stop and marvel at Wiseau’s complete and utter lack of understanding for the craft. As with the rest of the film, there’s something slightly off with how casually Mark talks about a woman being hospitalized by an angry partner. The delivery is fine-ish, yet the script is so oblivious to the seriousness of the subject it’s trying to examine that the viewer and Johnny can’t help but laugh inappropriately. What a story, Mark.

What filmgoers wanted from this orgy of testosterone-fuelled action stars was ridiculous carnage interspersed with corny one-liners - not shoehorned character development that’s desperately trying to paint this mix of mercenaries as tortured souls. Rourke, as Tool, ponders how war has destroyed him as a human being, even churning out the old cliché about the possibility of saving his soul had he actually stopped a woman from committing suicide. You might have thought this hammy attempt at creating a sympathetic character would spark a change in Stallone’s Barney, but no: his whole squad carries on, happily raining down wanton destruction. It might be pointless for the plot, but it’s the perfect time for the moviegoer to go to the bathroom or make him or herself a drink.

Sounding like a rant that might come from a stereotypical frat boy, the titular Larry Gigli uses a number of childish colloquialisms to bemoan the fact that he’s not able to “have” fellow criminal Ricki. Unbelievably, Ricki doesn’t even react when Gigli labels her a “stone-cold dyke” and “Dykeasaurus Rexi,” remaining mute, blank-faced, and surprisingly unoffended by such terms. The scene is designed to show Gigli’s soft innards sneaking through his hard exterior, but the mysterious absence of chemistry shown by Bennifer means you might completely miss the fact this is Gigli first opening up about his feelings – hmm, you’d never guess they were dating at the time. Okay, but seriously, who says “heartthrob-o-rama” in real life?! Jeez… Before we reveal our top pick, here are some dishonorable mentions. - Heart of Darkness “King Kong” (2005) - An Irish Greek in Macedonia “Alexander” (2004)

George Lucas arguably did such a stinking job telling Darth Vader’s origin story that it’s tough to decide if the brat from “The Phantom Menace” is better or worse than the angsty teen he later becomes. While in Naboo with Padme, Anakin awkwardly comes up with a line that even a 14-year-old on their first date would be embarrassed about. Hayden Christensen is stiff and creepy when wooing the former queen: he stares, strokes, and bites his lip, which we can only assume are “moves” from Anakin’s warped point of view – and he seems to think they’re more effective than a Jedi mind trick. It might be shorter than many of the monologues on this list, but the sand speech is unrivalled in terms of sheer density when it comes to horrendous meme-worthy content. Do you agree with our list? Which meandering piece of film dialogue can you not bear to sit through? For more entertaining top 10s published every day, be sure to subscribe to WatchMojo.com.