Top 10 Problems with Fifty Shades Movies

When the sequel to Vin Diesel’s “Pitch Black” hit theaters in 2004, the critical response wasn’t exactly glowing. and the box office returns left something to be desired. Heck, even the video game tie-in was generally viewed as superior to the movie. We honestly can’t imagine anybody having a framed “The Chronicles of Riddick” poster in their childhood bedroom, let alone Christian Grey. Diesel is cool and all, but wouldn’t it make more sense if Christian had a “Fast and Furious” poster up there, especially since Universal also distributed those movies? Granted, this is the definition of nitpicking, but it’s really saying something when audiences care more about a poster in the background than a movie’s actual plot.

There are numerous plot elements in these movies that don’t add up, but Ana’s job at Seattle Independent Publishing is perhaps the most contrived. For starters, there’s virtually no discussion of how publishing has changed in the digital age. Nevertheless, Christian is still interested in buying a struggling publishing house. Even more unrealistic, the twenty-something Ana was hired as an assistant shortly after graduating from college. Then just like that, she’s promoted to fiction editor and has an assistant of her own. On top of everything else, Ana’s promoted for making obvious suggestions any business person could’ve figured out. How is it that a movie based on a bestseller has no idea how book publishing works?

As reprehensible as Christian can be, it’s not like the other men in Ana’s life are much better. When she gets drunk, her friend, Jose tries to steal a kiss from her before Christian comes to the rescue (like a grey knight). Jose ups the creep factor in the sequel where he dedicates an entire photography exhibit to Ana without her permission. Seriously, why is she still hanging around this weirdo? Then there’s Ana’s boss, the subtly-named Jack Hyde. When Ana rejects Jack, he sexually assaults her and sets out to destroy Christian. There are a lot of perverts and stalkers out there, but Ana attracts them like flies to manure.

Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan each won multiple Razzies for their portrayals of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. While we can see why their performances and chemistry were criticized, both have been quite good in other projects. Johnson made the most out of a small role in “Black Mass” while Dornan received acclaim for his work on “The Fall.” The “Fifty Shades” films even managed to attract Oscar-winning actresses like Marcia Gay Harden, who plays Christian’s adoptive mother, and Kim Basinger, who stars as Christian’s ex-lover. Sadly, both are squandered in roles that lack depth, personality, or anything for them to sink their teeth into.

When the source material stems from “Twilight” fan fic, it’s safe to say that the screenplay isn’t going to read like Shakespeare. The dialogue in these movies has been described as abysmal, unnatural, and not even remotely stimulating. “Fifty Shades of Grey” screenwriter Kelly Marcel actually “wanted to remove a lot of the dialogue,” feeling that “it could be a really sexy film if there wasn’t so much talking in it.” However, this idea was shot down after author E.L. James intervened. Marcel was so heartbroken from the experience that she was reluctant to watch the finished film, which won the Razzie for Worst Screenplay. Also, we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention this line: “I’m fifty shades of f#*ked up.”

Speaking of poor dialogue, Ana’s internal monologue from the novels is nonexistent in the movies. On one hand, this makes sense for a big screen adaption, seeing how film is a visual medium. On the other hand, Ana’s narration is basically what made the original source material so enjoyable to read. That’s not to say the books were well-written, by any means. Many critics and readers panned James’ novels, and some have argued that Ana’s descriptions are so ridiculous and over-the-top that it’s hard not to crack up. So at least this made them entertainingly bad. Sadly, the same can’t be said about the movies, which really would’ve benefited from, say, Gilbert Gottfried’s vocal chops.

We might be able to forgive the embarrassing writing if we bought Ana and Christian’s relationship. Unfortunately, their romance is about as believable as Ana’s publishing job. As mentioned before, Johnson and Dornan are fine performers, but they come off as awkward and misdirected here. Of course even a young Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio couldn’t create a spark between these characters. That’s largely because we never come to understand what this couple sees in each other. Christian spontaneously, not to mention inexplicably, decides that he wants Ana and can’t live without her. Meanwhile, Ana’s attraction to Christian often seems based on money, power, and sex, which aren’t exactly sturdy building blocks for a healthy relationship.

Christian literally tells Ana at one point that he’s a “sadist” who “gets off punishing women.” After that, the two share a kiss, Christian proposes marriage, and Ana eventually says yes. Um… did we miss something? Okay, let’s just take Mr. Grey’s sex dungeon out of the equation of a second. Even without all the leather whips, Christian and Ana’s relationship would still be incredibly abusive. He constantly stalks Ana and refuses to take no for an answer. He tries to control every facet of Ana’s life, from her career to her finances. No matter how many times she tells him to back off, Christian keeps treating her like a possession and Ana ultimately submits.

Before “Fifty Shades of Grey” hit theaters, it was already being hyped as the kinkiest, raunchiest, and most depraved erotic romance of all time, prompting anti-pornography activists to boycott the film. When audiences actually saw it, however, many, ironically, complained that it wasn’t steamy enough. While there was a fair deal of sex and erotica, those scenes were vastly outweighed by boring conversations about contracts. Critics were equally turned off watching “Fifty Shades Darker,” where the highlight was a laughable scene featuring Ben Wa balls. Anyone who bought a ticket to these movies in hopes of getting a good look at Mr. Grey from the waist down were sorely disappointed exiting the theater.

In addition to the National Center on Sexual Exploitation, those who actually enjoy BDSM also protested “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Many argued that the film wasn’t an accurate depiction of this erotic practice or the people who partake in it. While BDSM can involve dominance and submission, it’s also about communication, mutual consent, and trust. “Trusting” isn’t exactly a word that’s been used to describe Christian and Ana’s relationship, seeing how he’s a stalker who frequently pushes her into uncomfortable situations. Since little context on BDSM is given, it can feel like these films are implying that sex and violence just go hand in hand, which is fifty shades of wrong.



Do you agree with our list? What do you think is the biggest problem with the “Fifty Shades” movies? For more entertaining Top 10s published every day, be sure to subscribe to MsMojo.