Top 10 Things Movies Get Wrong About Sex

If there’s one thing movie characters appear to have much more of than the average person, it’s grace in the bedroom. You’ll rarely see people onscreen having trouble unclasping a bra – unless it's to add some comedy – or getting their shirt stuck on their head, or tripping over their crumpled pants. What’s even more impressive is when a film couple passionately makes out on their way to the bedroom or in a cramped space without stubbing a toe, tripping over furniture, or banging their heads despite being a little preoccupied.

Of course there are outliers to this rule, like “Knocked Up”’s Pete casually and nonchalantly asking for sex while brushing his teeth, but overall, people in movies rarely have an actual conversation about wanting to have sex with their partner. Usually a scene will smash cut from seductive looks and winks to a squeaking bed, or a couple will just start passionately making out for seemingly no reason. Even new couples never seem to discuss it, as a scene usually progresses from an innocent and inexperienced kiss to clothes being taken off within a matter of seconds.

Next time you see a sex scene in a movie, pay attention to what the characters do afterwards. Chances are, they’ll simply roll over and start a conversation, go to sleep, smoke a cigarette, or some combination of those three. Movie people, you be nasty! Characters never have to do the things we mortals do – you know, like dispose of condoms, “clean themselves up” or visit the bathroom; things that are usually priority number one in the real world. No matter how great it was; there is ALWAYS something practical to do after sex in real life.

Movie sex scene 101: only show the missionary position and absolutely nothing else! Movie couples rarely “experiment” with sex in different positions, cause that’d be too awkward to film and watch, right? Movies also rarely show anything more graphic than the missionary position, as that would border on the pornographic and possibly upset the more… innocent members of the audience. Instead, we always see the man-on-top scenario because it’s safe, easy to film, and passionate, despite it being only one of many options available in a real bed.

You’ll see it often in movies during a passionate make out session: one half of the couple takes the other’s shirt in their hands and literally rips it from their body, with the sounds of fabric tearing and buttons bouncing off the floor to follow. While it may look hot on film, this act would result in nothing but yells of “Why did you do that!?” and “That was my favorite shirt!” Also, physically ripping a shirt, especially off of someone else’s body, is incredibly difficult, and you’ll look pretty foolish if you attempt and fail.

Movies make sex look like the easiest thing in the world, as a passionate session never seems to last more than a minute. Not only do both partners always seem to finish simultaneously – which is quite an achievement on its own – but also it’s always done extremely quickly and efficiently, with minimal effort from either party. Men usually finish within literal seconds for comedic reasons – think of Jason Biggs in “American Pie” - and women are usually not far behind. There are never any problems or issues regarding performance for either sex unless it’s a plot point, or even motivation, and that is some grade A BS.

It’s no surprise that movie producers want their stars to look as gorgeous as possible, but when we see perfect hair and makeup onscreen after sex, we can’t help but chuckle. While the man may be a little sweaty, the woman remains practically perfect; her hair isn’t frizzy or sticking in every direction, she doesn’t have any sweat beads, and her makeup is in pristine condition without so much as some smudged lipstick. It’s just a fact that after that much exercise, you won’t look perfect getting out of bed, but it’s a fact that movies just don’t seem to want to acknowledge.

Unless it’s integral to the story, like Ben failing to put one on in “Knocked Up,” there’s almost zero mention of condoms in the history of sex scenes. No one ever mentions having a condom, no one ever puts one on, and no one ever takes one off after finishing. Despite condoms being a fairly important and integral aspect to having safer sex, especially with a stranger you just met at a sleazy nightclub, movies almost never mention them, and characters always seem to just jump right into the action without a second thought.

“I just had sex with this guy, and now we’re laying in bed. Better cover up my breasts so he can’t see them!” These are the apparent thoughts of every post-coital movie lady. This, of course, is the ever-present “conveniently placed blanket” trope, which sees that a cover, comforter or other type of bedding covers nude body parts - or the act of sex itself - so that viewers are unable to see anything too explicit. It’s dumb, and if it were anything like real life, the blanket would be in a crumpled heap on the floor. Also see: women who get out of bed after sex and immediately put on a bathrobe.

Before we reveal our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions.
- No Awkward Noises
- People Swipe Everything Off a Flat Surface to Have Sex
- Sex with Clothes On

In the movies, there’s nothing more romantic or mood setting than shower sex – it’s hot (literally), it’s steamy, and it looks sensual as hell. Unfortunately, shower sex is probably the most annoying thing you can attempt with your partner in the real world. One of you will slip and hurt and/or embarrass yourself. The height difference makes things difficult. One of you will be freezing cold. Water does not make the greatest lubricant. Having sex standing up is damn near impossible. Should we go on? Seriously, don’t let the movies fool you; shower sex is the worst.