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If the Brits Did... Jurassic World

VO: Ashley Bowman
Written by Sean Harris Swap "Fallen Kingdom" for "United Kingdom", and watch all types of dino chaos unfold. For this list, we're imagining an alternate movie reality where the blockbuster carnage of "Jurassic World" is just a bit more British. If you love seeing Chris Pratt & co take on every conceivable kind of prehistoric predator but wish the movies carried less Hollywood cliche, then this is a glorious glimpse at how things could and should be different. Probably.

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If the Brits Did… Jurassic World

Relocate the Raptors and transfer the Triceratops. Welcome to WatchMojo UK and today we’re doubling down on dinosaurs, with some best of British bite!
For today’s video, we’re revisiting the blockbuster brilliance of “Jurassic World” to move the movie onto British shores, for something different – and we think, something even better. Probably. Well, maybe.

#5: The Park

Our prehistoric playground needs a stonker of a setting, and the UK’s packed with potential. There’s the aptly named Jurassic Coast, which already lends itself to some sort of dino-themed, all-inclusive, package holiday – like Butlin’s but scarier. It is a World Heritage Site, but it’s worth the red tape to give the characters a West Country cadence. Failing that, Scotland. Not only do the Scots already boast the clearly legit Loch Ness Monster, but the world’s largest dinosaur also lived on the Isle of Skye. True Story. So, who needs Isla Nublar if the Inner Hebrides will do? No self-respecting British parents are going to pack their kids off to the Pacific, anyway. And we’d lose the over-blown ‘Jurassic World’ nametag, too. Something sophisticated like ‘Jurassic Towers Pleasure Beach World of Adventures’ will do just fine.

#4: The Dinosaurs

Steven Spielberg’s T-Rex roared itself to the pinnacle of 1990s pop culture with the original films, becoming a bloodthirsty poster boy for the lizard-loaded chaos. And obviously, the ultimate predator is pretty impressive… But it also always wins. Every single time. And that’s just not our style. Channelling the British obsession with oddball, underdog animals like sheep, badgers and meerkats, this park would celebrate the everyday dino just as much. An all-you-can-eat Tyrannosaur is good, but so’s the steady-as-she-goes Stegosaurus with a weepy backstory and a far-off dream. The ugly duckling pterodactyl who’s even less attractive than the rest of his scaly species – we’d be all over that. T-shirts, teapots, a novelty flavour of Walkers crisps, the works. Because nothing gets us going like a loveable loser 65 million years’ in the making.

#3: The Hybrid

In “Jurassic World”, it’s the Indominus rex. In “Fallen Kingdom”, it’s the Indoraptor. In Britain, the Anglosaur? Either way, it’d be truly terrifying. Terrifyingly bloody brilliant! The Anglosaur’s everything you’d want from a Brit-based, prehistoric genetically-modified miracle. Its well-rounded roar has vowels in all the right places, but it’s deceptively dangerous – like a Guy Ritchie gangster, but with bigger teeth. It’s stronger than a British person’s love of weather, it’s faster than an England fan’s fading hopes at the World Cup, it’s colossal claws are bigger than Chris Hoy’s thighs, and its average kill-rate is higher than how often an Ed Sheeran song gets played on local radio – and it’s naturally addicted to gravy and/or ketchup. And if the Anglosaur name doesn’t stick, then they’d open it out to a public vote – and Dino McFossilface would definitely win.

#2: The Heroes

While Chris Pratt does a decent job as a weapon-wielding Raptor whisperer, our good guys are much more convincing. Faced with an ultra-angry Mesozoic mutant monster, Pratt’s Owen Grady just seems to wing it by riding a motorbike and dropping romantic one-liners. But the British approach cuts the crap and gets the job done. Stick Jason Statham in Jurassic World and watch him ransack the place with his bare hands. Or just let Tom Hardy go Mad Max for 90 minutes. And if the problem continues, send Jay from “The Inbetweeners” – there’s nothing that lad can’t do. And then there’s Benedict Cumberbatch, who’s literally been a dragon before, so he’s got the inside know-how. As for Bryce Dallas Howard’s character, it has to be Mother of Dragons, Emilia Clarke. It’s about time she and Smaug teamed up for something, don’t you reckon?

#1: The Carnage

The original “Jurassic World” sees a power-hungry businessman bite off more than he can chew, turning paying punters into running, screaming dino-fodder. But the ‘disaster’ aspect on this side of the pond would be much more accidental. Sure, the UK has had its fair share of over-inflated, entrepreneurial types, but over here the hybrid would more likely be let loose because of a bumbling mistake by a well-meaning idiot. And what follows could well be catastrophic, and Sean Bean would almost definitely die, but it’d take more than a few rogue Diplodocus to get us overly worried – especially if we’ve got Daenerys on side. Although, the overused poster slogan doesn’t tell the whole story; we’d keep calm, carry on, then inwardly seethe at all the disruption, but never ever complain. That said, David Attenborough would probably narrate the whole thing, and if his voice doesn’t diffuse the tension, then nothing will.

So, what do you think would be better in British hands? Let us know and we’ll make it happen!

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