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Top 10 Most Hilarious Patrick Star Quotes

VO: Phoebe de Jeu WRITTEN BY: Francesca LaMantia
He may be stupid, but he’s also dumb. Welcome to WatchMojo.com, and today we’ll be counting down our picks for the Top 10 Patrick Star Quotes. For this list we’ll be looking at the funniest and most memorable quotes uttered by SpongeBob’s best friend.
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He may be stupid, but he’s also dumb. Welcome to WatchMojo.com, and today we’ll be counting down our picks for the Top 10 Patrick Star Quotes.


For this list we’ll be looking at the funniest and most memorable quotes uttered by SpongeBob’s best friend.


#10: “We Should Take Bikini Bottom and Push It Somewhere Else.”



With the threat of a giant killer worm looming over Bikini Bottom, the townspeople are scrambling for ideas to save themselves. Amidst all the chaos, Patrick has the genius idea to simply take Bikini Bottom and push it somewhere else. Not all of Patrick’s ideas are winners, but this one was apparently good enough for the people of Bikini Bottom… despite some initial criticism. This plan was actually working until SpongeBob and Sandy ran the worm over a cliff and right on top of Bikini Bottom’s new location. This line is emblematic of Patrick’s simplistic and dimwitted genius.

#9: “It’s Not My Wallet.”



Hats off to SpongeBob and Patrick for doing their best to turn one of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy’s archenemies, Man Ray, to the good side, but Patrick’s idiocy is almost enough to turn him right back. While giving him lessons on how to be good, Patrick roleplays that he has lost his wallet, and Man Ray must return it. But despite Man Ray’s best efforts, Patrick denies that the wallet is even his. With each, “it’s not my wallet,” Man Ray gets increasingly – and more hilariously – agitated. Patrick says so sincerely that it’s not his wallet, that you might believe it if you didn’t see him drop it. But yes, Patrick­ – it is, in fact, your wallet.


#8: “Firmly Grasp It.”


After Squidward gets into a terrible bike accident, SpongeBob and Patrick take it upon themselves to cheer him up by giving him the best day ever. They take Squidward jellyfishing, and Patrick tries to teach him the basics. He tries getting Squidward to firmly grasp the net in his hand, but Squidward can't due to his full body cast. Patrick’s patience quickly wears thin, and he yells it at Squidward and jams the net right through his tentacle. So much for the best day ever.


#7: “Who You Callin’ Pinhead?”


SpongeBob and Patrick are the best of buds, but even they fight from time to time. And when they do, the results are always hilarious. While playing in the snow in Sandy's treedome, they’re beating each other with giant snow objects and calling each other names inspired by Sandy’s hibernation-induced sleep talking. When SpongeBob hits Patrick and calls him a pinhead, he takes particular offense and responds, “who you callin’ pinhead?” But Patrick answers his own question with the very pinhead-looking expression on his face.

#6: “Don’t Touch Me, I’m Sterile.”


Oh no! SpongeBob has caught the suds. But never fear, Dr. Patrick is in. Insisting to SpongeBob that a real doctor is far too dangerous to visit, he decides to takes care of SpongeBob himself. Referencing the classic “Honeymooners” joke, Patrick announces, “don't touch me, I'm sterile,” while washing his hands to operate on SpongeBob. This one is clearly a multi-tiered joke meant for the parents, as the reference probably went over the kid’s heads. This Patrick line is hands down one of his funniest because of both the word play and the unexpected call to a classic sitcom. Good one, Patrick.


#5: “The Inner Machinations of My Mind Are an Enigma.”



Patrick Star has never been the sharpest tool in the box, but whether he’s an idiot savant or just an idiot is still up for debate. When Patrick has a super-secret box, SpongeBob is desperate to see what’s inside, but Patrick wishes to keep this one personal thing just to himself. Apparently, we've all been underestimating Patrick this whole time, because he assures SpongeBob that the inner machinations of his mind are an enigma – even if that enigma is really just spilled milk. Who knew Patrick knew so many big words?


#4: “W for Wumbo.”


Speaking of Patrick’s inner genius, he may not have a vast depth of knowledge in book smarts, but he is an expert in one thing: Wumbology. SpongeBob accidentally shrinks everyone in Bikini Bottom while using Mermaid Man's utility belt, but Patrick has the solution. Clearly, all they need to do is flip the M to a W for Wumbo and unshrink everyone. Naturally, SpongeBob has initial doubts about this plan, but Patrick convinces him with ramblings about Wumbo. Funnier than the rambling itself is the way Patrick says it with such confidence and pretension in his voice. You almost believe his logic somehow makes sense.


#3: “The Ugly Barnacle.”


When SpongeBob eats a rank breakfast sundae, he mistakes everyone being turned off by his bad breath as them running away because he’s so ugly. Like any great friend, Patrick tries to cheer him up. Unfortunately, Patrick’s pep talk does much more harm than good when he tells SpongeBob the story of the Ugly Barnacle. Derivative of the Ugly Duckling, this unhelpful story ends a bit differently and has the exact opposite of the desired effect. Well, A for effort Patrick. Though his methods are poor, Patrick at least attempts to bolster his friend’s body image. He refuses to accept that people don’t like SpongeBob’s ugliness. In fact, he wants us all to look at it.


#2: “No, This is Patrick.”



Mr. Krabs is clearly too cheap to offer employee training, because Patrick has no idea what he’s doing when he picks up a shift at the Krusty Krab. Even a task as simple as opening a jar is difficult for him, and gives us one of Patrick’s most memorable lines. Realizing his strength is not in the kitchen, Patrick moves on to answering phone orders. But every time someone calls asking if it’s the Krusty Krab, he responds, “No, this is Patrick.” To be fair, Patrick’s technically not wrong – he is NOT a krusty krab.



Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions:



“My Name’s Not Rick.”



“Just Do What I Do When I Have Problems... SCREAM!!”



“Oh Boy, 3 AM.”


#1: “Is Mayonnaise an Instrument?”


To impress his nemesis, Squidward tries to turn the residence of Bikini Bottom into a marching band. He must really be desperate to ask Patrick for help considering how much Patrick irritates him, but Patrick is happy to oblige. To get things started, Squidward asks if anyone has experience playing instruments. Patrick asks for some clarification, wanting to know if mayonnaise is an instrument. This line might have been funny if Patrick was just messing with Squidward, but him being so precise and sincere in his enunciation makes it even funnier. No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument. How would you even play it?
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