Top 10 Reasons SpongeBob Should End His Friendship With Patrick

What’s one of the first lessons kids are taught when they’re with other kids? The importance of sharing, of course. Unfortunately, this is one lesson Patrick has a hard time remembering. Case in point: In one episode, SpongeBob buys a Krusty Kid’s Meal with the intention of sharing it with Patrick. Unfortunately, the starfish gobbles down the whole thing and then takes command of the Patty Pal toy and refuses to share it. SpongeBob goes way beyond being reasonable in trying to negotiate with Patrick, but he’s way too self-centered to listen. He even goes so far as to eat the toy to keep SpongeBob from getting it. Way for a BFF to behave.

SpongeBob does his best at school, even arriving hours before class starts in order to avoid being late. But one day he invites Patrick to join him in class – with disastrous results. It’s no surprise that Patrick is a horrible student, the kind who takes delight in misbehaving. But does he have to let SpongeBob take the blame for his insulting drawings of the teacher and his spitball barrage. Patrick even irritates SpongeBob into fighting during recess, resulting in them both getting detention. And in another episode, (Xref) Patrick eats the special notes that SpongeBob needs to pass his boat driving test – a test he has already failed 57 times.

OK, just about everyone has parent issues, right? Even cartoon characters. Seems that Patrick’s parents, who are coming to visit him, are disappointed in their son because they think he’s an idiot. (Wonder where they got that idea?) SpongeBob, being a good friend, comes up with an idea. He will pretend to be incredibly stupid, so that Patrick will seem intelligent by comparison. The plan works – too well. Patrick begins treating SpongeBob as if he really were that dumb and insults him terribly. Once again, the starfish is only too happy to make his friend miserable in pursuit of his own pleasure.

SpongeBob decides his buddy needs a vacation – from what, you may rightfully ask – but unfortunately, he lacks the money to go anywhere. So, SpongeBob proposes another solution: a staycation, where Patrick stays home and SpongeBob comes up with ways to make it feel like a vacation. But nothing the hardworking little sponge does is good enough for the selfish starfish. The furniture needs to be moved around, the homemade pool needs a diving board, the entertainment is lame. He even has to give up his bed to his supposed buddy. In spite of all this, Patrick doesn’t even give SpongeBob credit for just trying to help him. Ingrate.

Not surprisingly, SpongeBob very sweetly likes to get his friends nice presents for Valentine’s Day. He and Sandy team up to get Patrick a huge hot air balloon made out of chocolate – but when things go awry, SpongeBob substitutes a friendly handshake instead. Patrick is unappreciative, to say the least. And when he sees that others received better gifts, he goes on a maniacal rampage, destroying an entire carnival and terrorizing everyone around. Hey, we understand being disappointed in a gift or annoyed that other less-deserving people got more thoughtful gifts. But how about giving a friend the benefit of the doubt?

Gary, for those who are not SpongeBob aficionados, is SpongeBob’s pet sea snail, although he meows just like a cat. And why not? SpongeBob cares for Gary very deeply – which does make you wonder why he ever decided to let Patrick snail-sit for him. Despite leaving a detailed list of what to do, Patrick is a disaster as a sitter, eating all the food, dropping his little fellow, and almost killing him with fire and a hairdryer. SpongeBob doesn’t really know about all these things, of course, but his instincts tell him Patrick was not a good choice as a sitter. Hopefully those instincts will one day tell him Patrick’s no good as a friend either.

After SpongeBob and Patrick adopt a baby scallop as their child, they assume vey traditional roles as a mother and father, respectively. That means that SpongeBob stays home to take care of the baby, do the housework, and cook all the meals. Patrick, in the meantime, goes off to work and bring home the bread, returning home too tired every day to help with the parenting. Is anyone surprised to learn that Patrick’s “work” consists of watching TV? Didn’t think so. Patrick, lying to and taking advantage of your best buddy and making him do all the work is not the way a friendship works.

Okay, so admittedly SpongeBob is a bit hard to take sometimes. The voice – it’s a little annoying. And yeah, he can be a little annoying. Or a lot. And we can see where sometimes it might be a good idea to take a little break from SpongeBob. But is declaring a National No SpongeBob Day and having the entire population of Bikini Bottom go away and leave SpongeBob really necessary? More importantly, even if everyone else goes, how dare Patrick join them! We mean, they are best friends. Bosom buddies. Inseparable pals. SpongeBob then turns around and leaves Patrick when No Patrick Day comes. But somehow that seems more fitting!

The sixth season episode “The Card” has plenty of examples of Patrick being annoying. The premise is that SpongeBob is desperate to get one especially valuable Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy card. Naturally, Patrick is the one who gets it – and mistreats it horribly. But the episode is infamous for something else – Patrick admitting that he likes to “mix up” his stupidity to keep SpongeBob on his toes. This implies that Patrick’s idiocy is all an act – and that he creates chaos on purpose as a way of keeping from getting bored. Since SpongeBob is usually inconvenienced, if not victimized, by his actions, he’d be far better off finding a friend who doesn’t play dangerous mind games with him.

When Patrick’s around, things can always get worse. For example, when SpongeBob has insomnia, Patrick’s efforts to lull him to sleep have the opposite effect. “Doctor” Patrick tries to remove a painful splinter and only pushes it deeper into SpongeBob’s thumb. And when SpongeBob gets stuck in the wringer – don’t ask – Patrick’s solution is to use glue – which only causes the sponge to get even more stuck. Patrick then proceeds to take his immobilized friend to a carnival – which is plenty fun for Patrick, but just emphasizes how trapped SpongeBob is. Lesson: Things are tough enough when SpongeBob is alone. The last thing he needs is someone who can notch the bad luck up from 10 to 11.