Top 10 Most Cringe Worthy Video Game Sex Scenes
#10: DmC: Disgusting Mundus Coitus - “DmC: Devil May Cry” (2013)
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We can appreciate this reboot wanting to try something different by taking Dante in a much more edgy direction while also showing us how repulsive his demonic enemies can be. That being said, did we really need a scene with the big bad of the game getting lucky with his demonic baby-momma? Aside from it coming out of nowhere, the fact that Mundus and Lilith already look like monsters in their human guises made the whole thing just look wrong. We just about swallowed the fact that Dante now has black hair, but making us watch hellish mating is a step too far developers.
#9: Dirty Talk - “Fable III” (2010)
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Being able to start a family after getting hitched to your ideal spouse had been a long-time staple of the Fable franchise. However, this third entry decided to give players that little bit extra by including some of the most awkward dirty talking we have ever heard in a fantasy RPG. While you never see your avatar actually getting jiggy with their partner due to the screen blacking out, the dialogue (helmed by some of the most grating British accents this side of Albion) will more than likely take you out of the mood and immediately want to hit the mute button.
#8: All of It - “Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude” (2004)
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When the entirety of you game revolves around seducing and sleeping with countless women, you had best hope you at least make it entertaining, but as you’d expect of Larry, his sex-crazed escapades ended in a colossal failure on all fronts. Besides its boring, repetitive and uninspired gameplay, the actual sex scenes are nothing to rave about. You either feel like you wasted hours of your life playing sperm-based mini-games only to have Larry wuss out at the end all on his own, or the actual act itself is so weird due to the character models and dialogue that you question what exactly you’re doing with your life.
#7: Peeping Aiden - “Beyond: Two Souls” (2013)
The first of many David Cage games to appear on this list, go figure. This sequence starts out when Jodie ends up having a successful date with Ryan, which of course leads to some bedroom action. What’s wrong with her experiencing some happiness for once, we hear you ask? How about the fact that you watch the whole thing go down from Aiden’s perspective. That’s right, the spiritual remnant of Jodie’s dead twin is watching his sister get laid. That’s…creepy.
#6: SIE Gets What SIE Wants - “Alpha Protocol” (2010)
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Many of the romances in this espionage action-shooter range from passable to forgetful, however the one character that seemed like the most interesting was SIE; the heavily armed German mercenary who wasn’t afraid to flirt with secret agent Michael Thorton throughout their encounters, even as the bullets were flying. She continues this trend when she finds him strapped down and unarmed, and decides now would be a great time to get some nookie. From the look on his face in the aftermath, we can only guess it must have been quite the demanding experience. At least she had the courtesy to drop her gun before getting down to business.
#5: Hot Coffee - “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas” (2004)
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This entry in the critically acclaimed franchise is remembered fondly for its epic gameplay, zero fear of approaching seedy subjects, and the fact it has the voice talents of Mr Samuel L. Jackson! However it is also foldly remembered for this unfinished mini-game discovered and exploited by modders. The mini-game sees protagonist CJ bring home one of six possible girlfriends and proceed to get down to some crudely animated sexual intercourse, with the player pulling the strings. Following this discovery, the game’s rating was changed to AO, forcing Rockstar to recall the game and remove the unfinished code, so you could argue this situation was awkward in more ways than one.
#4: Too Much Interaction - “Heavy Rain” (2010)
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Oh David Cage, we know you want to keep pushing the boundaries between video games and films to create a truly interactive experience…but did we really need a section where removing a bra was this stressful? If given the chance by players, Ethan and Madison decide that despite the looming threat of the Origami Killer, they have time to get down to some intimate lovemaking. However, whatever emotional investment you may have had is suddenly turned into frantic gameplay as you have to intricately get through the whole session, holding down and switching between button commands while zeroing in on Ethan and Madison going at it. Seriously, some of the Origami Killer’s trials weren’t as testing as this!
#3: Glory Hole - “Duke Nukem Forever” (2011)
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After so many years of waiting, the return of one of gaming’s most macho icons was met with huge disappointment. With lacklustre gameplay and such a focus on making him seem like the most testosterone-fuelled badasses out there, Duke essentially became a parody of himself. We knew we’d likely end up seeming some gratuitous moments involving the ladies, but by far the most awkward moment came from when players accidentally came across what appears to be a glory hole, which Duke puts to good use, leaving the rest of us to feel more than a little violated.
#2: Not your usual love making music - “Fahrenheit” a.k.a. “Indigo Prophecy” (2005)
Ok look David Cage, we do like your games we really do. It’s just your sex scenes make us wince every time we have to play through them. In this case, we get three for one game. Tyler’s awkward, first-person romp complete with a squeaking bed. Lucas managing to seduce his girlfriend via guitar followed by what looks the inspiration for Heavy Rain’s awkward exchange, complete with button prompts and perhaps the most unfitting use of a “Theory of a Deadman” song we’ve ever heard. Seriously just watch.
#1: Dry Humping from Hell - “Ride to Hell: Retribution” (2013)
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Even if you ignore the horrendous, almost offensive fact that just before these scenes play out just after these female characters have nearly being sexual assaulted or killed, the sex scenes themselves are just unsettling to look at. Everyone still has their clothes on and instead of two people making love, it looks like a set of poorly animated rag dolls rubbing against each other and tossed around the screen while cheesy music plays in the background. It’s already enough to make you want you burn your eyes out, but knowing that this has taken place literally just after an attempted rape is just pouring salt in the wound.
