Another Top 10 Avoidable Deaths In Movies

Like death, Thanos claims he’s inevitable, but we’re not so sure. Yeah, he’s one of the strongest beings in the known universe, and picked up Infinity Stones like they were daisies, but our heroes would probably play things differently were they to get another chance. What if Loki hadn’t revealed the Tesseract? What if Scarlet Witch had killed Vision to begin with? What if Quill had kept his cool on Titan? And gosh darnit, what if Thor had gone for the head? These questions boggled the minds of characters and fans alike for a long time after. While Doctor Strange claims there was no other way, it really didn’t seem like it at the time.

Going into this superhero sequel, hopes were high for the spinoff superteam X-Force. That is, until the movie pulled a bait-and-switch on the audience, taking out nearly every would-be hero almost as soon as they were introduced. It was a simple setup: parachute down to the prison convoy and break out a young mutant. Only, most of them didn’t get that far, as high winds diverted four of them into sudden death. While the powerless Peter lands safely, it isn’t long before he too meets a grisly end at the hands of some acidic vomit. Oh well, at least Deadpool turned back time to save his Sugar Bear in the mid-credits sequence.

The male models in this movie aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed. Case in point, when Derek and the gang look to turn his frown upside down with some orange mocha frappuccinos, they get a little too celebratory during a fuel-up at a gas station. Instead of pumping the gas into their car, they instead opt to spray it all over each other in a playful fight. As if that wasn’t dumb enough, Brint has the bright idea to light a cigarette, instantly setting off a fiery explosion. Sheesh, what were they thinking? Oh yeah, they weren’t.

People aren’t perfect. Sometimes, words slip out. And sometimes, there are consequences. But it’s been a while since those words resulted in stoning. However, in Monty Python’s biblical parody, this throng of bearded women - we mean men - are more than eager to get in a few shots at a man accused of saying “Jehovah.” Problem is, anyone who inadvertently says Jehovah in reference to someone else saying Jehovah gets an immediate rock to the face. This is something John Cleese’s High Priest learns the hard way, as his utterance is the final straw for the angry mob, who unload their entire arsenal upon him. All he had to do was avoid saying just one word!

Within the horror genre, teenagers dying one-by-one in and around a cabin in the woods is nothing new. What is new is them dying by their own hand in the grisliest of fashions. When a simple misunderstanding leads them to believe they’re being hunted by murderous rednecks, they fight back, only with less than stellar results. From impaling themselves on tree branches, to falling on their own spears, to diving head-first into a woodchipper, they can’t seem to not accidentally kill themselves. Let this be a lesson not to jump to conclusions based on appearances, and that talking things out can save you a lot of grief. And blood.

What good is a safety if you’re not going to use it? Hell, why even hold a gun if your intent is just to have a theological conversation, let alone aim it right at their head? These are questions Vincent Vega certainly asked himself after he accidentally redecorated the backseat with Marvin’s brains. It proved to be an effective and humorous jolt for the viewer, especially considering how it could have been easily avoided had Vincent taken a class in gun safety, not to mention basic etiquette. Of course, Vincent and Jules are more worried about the car than the victim. Hey, accidents . . . happen?

We thought Superman was supposed to save people! Not so initially in Zack Snyder’s gritty take on the character. Before his demise, Jonathan Kent was convinced the world wouldn’t accept his superpowered son, and so discouraged Clark from revealing his true self no matter the cost. Well, turns out the cost was the elder Kent’s life, as he gets caught up in a tornado while trying to help a dog to safety. Clark feels compelled to save him, which would have been virtually effortless, but with one hand gesture, Jonathan convinces him otherwise. Yeah, in retrospect, he probably should have just done it.

This one hurts deep. When Harry has a vision of his godfather being tortured by Voldemort, he understandably takes action. Upon arriving at the Department of Mysteries, the group learns that the vision was false, tricking Harry into falling into the clutches of the Death Eaters. In the ensuing battle, the real Sirius arrives to save the kids, only to be suddenly struck down by Bellatrix Lestrange. While we empathize with Harry’s emotions and subsequent decision, in hindsight it’s hard not to wonder what would have happened had he persisted in contacting the Order first, or even Sirius himself, through the Floo Network. We were just getting to know and love Sirius; why did he have to go?

Say what you will about the film’s use of CGI, the zombies depicted here are some of the most intimidating put to screen. That said, sometimes running isn’t the best plan, especially when you let your fears get the better of you and you’re holding a cocked weapon. Instead of letting the soldiers handle the few zombies that attack them, Fassbach’s flight reaction kicks in. As he turns to ascend back up the plane’s steel ramp, he doesn’t account for the excessive rainwater, promptly slipping and putting a bullet in his head. Sometimes survival is as simple as watching where you’re going; as White Boy Bob’s demise in Steven Soderbergh’s “Out of Sight” also proves. Just, watch where you’re going. K?

Before we unveil our top pick, here are some dishonorable mentions:

Glen & Monica
“Dawn of the Dead” (2004)

Helen Shivers
“I Know What You Did Last Summer” (1997)

Shredder
“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze” (1991)

Flying Guy
“Kick-Ass” (2010)

Ken Wheatley
“Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom” (2018)

In this sendup of the superspy genre, over-the-top and drawn-out is the franchise’s bread and butter, and the same goes for its death sequences. While plenty of characters die unnecessarily and witlesly, there’s really only one that had every opportunity to prevent it. And we mean every opportunity. When Austin and Vanessa storm the nefarious Virtucon headquarters, they find themselves commandeering a slow-moving steamroller to evade the guards. One guard however finds himself directly in their path, and accepts his fate way, way, way too early. Hilarious as the scene is, all he had to do was take a step to either side, and with plenty of time to spare. Hell, you have a gun; just shoot him! Ugh. Henchmen, are we right?