Top 10 Awkward Video Game Cutscenes

There’s probably no better example of shameless sexual innuendo in video games than “Ar Tonelico” a series of anime-inspired RPGs. Much of the games’ story centers on the “Reyvateils,” an all-female race of genetically engineered robots that can transform sound into energy. Reyvateils need to apply special “life extending” crystals to themselves through ports on their bodies. You can probably imagine what happens next. Here’s a hint: it involves lots of scenes where the protagonist has to insert crystals into the conveniently placed ports of his female companions. Yikes.

For all of the deserved accolades that the “Metal Gear Solid” series receive from critics, we just gotta make one thing clear: sometimes the writing is cringe-worthy. But, considering that 70% of the games are dialogue, it makes sense that some stinkers would slip through. The combination of weird, sexually-charged dialogue, cheesy butterfly imagery, and an even cheesier soft romantic vocal track in the background make the Cave interaction between Eva and Snake sooooo awkward. Plus, if you don’t remove Snake’s transmitter, you get a pretty funny (but uncomfortable) scene while Eva removes it for him.

OK, let’s be real, the “Dead or Alive Xtreme” series as a whole is ludicrously cringe-worthy. These tedious exercises in fan service are almost pointless except for giving gamers endless gratuitous shots of their favorite well-endowed “Dead or Alive” babes. But if we had to pick one specifically embarrassing scene, then it would have to be the legendary pole dancing sequences. In these scenes, the character performs a ridiculously sexual pole dance wearing whatever tiny bikini your heart desires. Try explaining these games to your significant other. Just try it.

“Final Fantasy X” is filled with interesting characters and unique settings. Some of the cut-scenes are amazing – like the first time Sin attacks is pretty mind-blowing; but like most JRPGs, there’s some really, really awkward stuff. The most famously unwatchable scene is the Tidus and Yuna fake laughter scene. Yuna and Tidus are in the midst of a budding romance, stuck in a dangerous world where they are the only hope for peace, and all they can do is: HA HA HA HA. The sentiment is nice, the writing is just terrible and the acting wooden. It’s so odd that you can even see Wakka and Lulu giving them the stinkeye in the background.

The acting in Bioware’s flagship “Dragon Age” and “Mass Effect” series is usually pretty good, but once in a while we get some confusing, embarrassing stuff. We could talk about the stilted sex scenes, but that’s almost too easy. The real culprits are the singing scenes: Leliana’s song in “Dragon Age” comes to mind, but even worse is Tali’s in “Mass Effect 3: Citadel”. If this was supposed to be extremely corny, then boy, did Bioware ever succeed. This scene would have been awkward in a rom com with normal human characters, but in a videogame space opera where one character is a space alien? It’s agonizing.

For the most part, “Kingdom Hearts” does a great job of vibrantly immersing you in some classic Disney settings. Some of these work better than others, however. Atlantica, the setting based on the “Little Mermaid” property, begins with it a tutorial song, “Swim this Way.” Unfortunately, the song doesn’t nearly match up to the Disney classics, and is actually…well, terrible. It seems like nobody can keep a harmony, it goes on for WAY too long, and the whole zone is relegated to a quick time event – that’s adding insult to awkwardness.

The “Star Ocean” games as a whole are filled with trite, awkward dialogue and weird sexual innuendo, but there’s probably nothing stranger than the meeting between Welch, Bacchus and Edge. Beyond the strangeness of Welch dressing up as different ‘sexy’ representations of historical time periods to impress Bacchus, there are also weird incestuous undertones that we’d rather not go into. Who the hell would thought someone saying “Tra La La, I Love You Big Brother,” while wearing underwear and a t-shirt to be a good idea?

Lots of games, like the “God of War” series, for example, include sex scenes – and without fail, they’re always pretty cringe-inducing. But “God of War” and “Dragon Age” are AAA series, so things get even worse when a crappy, small-budget, glitchy game like “Ride to Hell” tries its hand at a onscreen intercourse. These are the worst video game sex scenes of all time, bar none. The cheesy, 80s porno-movie soundtrack. The ugly, wooden, character models. The fact that THEY REMAIN FULLY CLOTHED. What a mess.

Seriously Sega? You really had to go there? The “Sonic” series, originally one of the landmark 16-bit platformers, has been riddled with an almost endless string of strange design choices since launching into 3D. But nothing was more confusing or embarrassing than the bizarre choice to include a classic ‘damsel in distress,’ in 2006’s “Sonic” reboot. Then, things start getting a little romantic, and we’re left with one of the weirdest scenes in the history of gaming, a kiss between Sonic, an anthropomorphic hedgehog, and a human princess named Elise. Ew.

Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions.

Animated Zelda Scenes
“Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon” (1993)
QTE Sex Scene
“Fahrenheit/Indigo Prophecy” (2005)
Dinner Dance Scene
“Infinite Undiscovery” (2008)
Dong Scene
“GTA: The Lost and the Damned” (2009)

The original release of this storied horror franchise was filled with some of the most hilariously bad cut-scenes in the history of gaming. The game featured in-game cutscenes, but also some really puzzling live action sequences that look like a shoe-string budget B movie late night horror flick. The dialogue was so crappy that Capcom re-wrote all of it in subsequent re-releases of “Resident Evil.” At least it spawned some classic hilarious video game memes, but seriously, the cutscenes in this game ALMOST ruin the immersion completely.
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