Top 10 Unrealistic Expectations That We Blame Disney Movies For

We’ve been going to sleep doing vocal exercises, because if there’s anything Disney taught us, it’s that every day should and will start with a song. In fact, it turns out there’s no occasion in life that can’t be approached like a musical. And out here in this confusing world, it’s really the only way to be sure of anything. How can any relationship work if you can’t harmonize together? How are you supposed to make major life decisions without singing out your deepest dreams and desires? Well, as other people start to glare at us, we put on our headphones, and try to make it work with an internal soundtrack. Turns out the rest of the world isn’t as in tune as Disney led us to believe.

If you’ve ever bumped into your furniture and apologized, it’s probably got something to do with your Disney childhood. Who’s to say? Your household could be filled with cursed people who just look like decor. Or maybe the house itself is a sentient entity. Is it a little creepy to know you’re always being observed? Maybe. But there are benefits to the situation. If your house hasn’t started taking care of you just yet, the answer is probably to be even nicer to your surroundings so they feel valued. After all, Disney has also shown us what happens when your belongings get angry. And even worse, when they feel threatened. It’s better safe than sorry, that’s all we’re saying.

We all went through a period where we were convinced that our parents couldn’t possibly know anything. And honestly, all the wholesome animated movies they showed us as kids only supported our righteous rebellion. Disney movies are filled with parents who want to lay down the law and won’t be reasoned with. They do it in the name of love, but the fact is that most of them are proven wrong by the end. Prince Eric was a good guy. Mulan saved China. And don’t even get us started on Elsa and Anna’s parents. We could do a whole list on this topic, but you get the idea. Adults can definitely be wrong, but probably not as often as these movies had us thinking.

So, as per Disney, your parents are standing in the way of your destiny, which may be why they’re a semi-endangered species in the studio’s movies. But that’s how we came to learn that the alternatives are even worse. Stepmothers are definitely the worst of the bunch. If you’re lucky they’ll just use you for unpaid labor. But it’s also possible that they’ll try and murder you on a deranged whim. Aunts and Uncles are suspect too, especially if your parents had any position of power. You’ll probably wind up collateral damage in their plans for domination. The truth is that most people have perfectly lovely families, but with examples like these we understand the impulse to...

Yeah, with all those unsatisfactory home dynamics it’s no wonder so many of our Disney heroes leave home at some point. And when we were protesting a clearly unfair vegetable eating policy, it certainly looked like a good option. Those movies made it seem like the start of an incredible experience. Maybe we would meet a charming stranger and feel a magical spark. Maybe we would learn a deep truth about ourselves. Or save a country from impending doom. At the very least we expected to make some zany new friends. Considering that running away is boring at best, and dangerous at worst, and it’s not really something any kid should try. But Disney often does make the idea look more appealing than it should.

Feeling lonely? Maybe you’re just not looking in the right places. Instead of joining a club or something, just take to nature, where the real ride or dies are waiting to be found. When rabies, and lack of thumbs are no impediment, Disney has shown us that human friends are no match for animal sidekicks. People are so complicated, and usually distracted with their own lives. But animals offer total devotion no matter the circumstances. Of course off screen we have yet to find any critter that is more interested in our human problems than their next meal. And we definitely haven’t seen any organized enough to run an atelier. But is it wrong that we keep dreaming?

One glance is all it takes. Disney didn’t invent this idea, but they definitely sold it the best with the litany of couples who exemplify the trope. You meet that person, and everything instantly falls into place, and now you’re happy forever. Anxiety? Uncertainty? Gone. Not just from your love life but from life in general. Even death is no problem when you’ve got your romantic partner sorted out. It’s this knowledge that keeps us going through the trenches of modern dating. It’s weird, though. Even when it’s going well, it sure seems like the rest of life just keeps going, for better and worse. Maybe we didn’t do the ‘first sight’ part right? We’ll try harder next time.

Disney’s villains go hard. Ambitious, and powerful, and a bit unhinged, we have seen them do some terrible things in pursuit of their goals. As traumatized as Scar or the Evil Queen left us, we knew that justice would be served in the end. Sometimes it’s in the legal sense of the term, sometimes it’s more karmic retribution, but we learned that evil doesn’t pay. Could someone give the real world that memo, please? Because from out here it sometimes looks like the shadier someone is the more likely they are to be very successful. Occasionally we get to see a villain get their comeuppance, but we’ve definitely had to adjust our expectations from the much more fair version of life that Disney presents us.

Anna’s hair probably should be a mess, but of course it looks perfect. In fact, for Disney heroines, even bad hair days look pretty good. Nothing frazzles these locks. Remember Mulan shearing her hair into a perfect bob with one swipe of the sword and then flipping it straight up into a photo-ready top knot? Or Rapunzel, whose misleadingly named film “Tangled,” saw her running around with a river of silky smooth hair no matter how crazy the situation. Almost every Disney lady had a ‘do that left us staring at the mirror in frustration, trying to figure out where we were going wrong. Forget curses and kisses, it’s clearly the hair products that hold all the real magic in the Disneyverse.

Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions.

Take Flight, No Airplane Required
Umbrella, Carpet, Pixie Dust…It’s Just a Matter of Finding the Right Method for You

Sleep is Anything But a Snooze
Turns Out It’s Pretty Eventful, Whether You’re Getting Kissed Awake or Falling Into a Magic Fever Dream

Okay, But What Is the Deal With Strangers?
Sometimes Need to Let Them in the House or Be Cursed, but Sometimes They’re Trying to Poison You. We’re Getting Mixed Messages, Disney

Mary Poppins, you lied to us. Granted, some people really enjoy cleaning, even the neat freaks among us have discovered that no amount of cheerful attitude can make some chores into a good time. For one thing, they don’t end. You have to keep doing them over and over for the rest of time. And not once have our local animals offered to help out. Since cockroaches will outlive us all, the least they could do is pitch in. We’ve tried singing. We’ve tried snapping our fingers. Nothing. The laundry, and the dishes, and the bathrooms just sit there waiting for us to roll up our sleeves. This is the betrayal that cuts deepest, honestly. Okay, maybe we should have seen that coming.

How did Disney leave you unprepared for life out here in the real world? Let’s commiserate in the comments.