Top 20 Brooklyn Nine Nine Cold Opens
#20: Halloween Heist Prep
“HalloVeen”
Halloween is a special time of year at Brooklyn’s 99th precinct. Instead of their usual bad guy catching, the detectives take turns out-maneuvering each other in pursuit of various objects.. Their heist preparations tend to get pretty outrageous. During the 5th annual heist, Jake wakes up in bed next to Amy, who’s already dressed. He then reveals that not only is he dressed too, he also made breakfast and slept next to it. Except…his eggs are gone. Captain Holt then reveals that he ate them. The gradual one-upping, culminating in Holt’s unexpected presence, makes for a hilarious opener. We love Halloween too, Jake!
#19: Wife or Dog?
“The Ebony Falcon”
While coming in to work one morning, Jake asks Scully about his weekend, and Scully replies that he and Kelly had a fun time at the park. Neither Jake, nor any of the rest of the squad can figure out if Kelly is his wife’s name or his dog’s name. After some speculation, they decide to play “wife or dog,” America’s favorite non-existent game show. By asking Scully some leading questions, they hope to discover the truth. However, all his answers could apply to either. Even Jake asking him flat-out leaves them, and us, no closer to an answer. Of course, a later episode reveals that BOTH Scully’s wife and his dog are named Kelly, so we still don’t know!
#18: Covid High Five
“The Good Ones”
Jake and Charles are remarkably immature, and we love them for it. When Rosa wants to talk to them about something during the Covid-19 pandemic, they ask her to put it on hold. Instead of listening, they show her a way to bypass the worst thing about the pandemic — besides all the death, economic crises, and injustices – not being able to high five! They then demonstrate a way to slap hands using gloves on brooms, doing all the classics. Rosa then brings them down after this bit of absurdity by revealing she’s quitting. Jake doesn’t take it well, accidentally slapping Terry and causing a chain reaction that leads to the power going out. It’s a serious moment, but spun with hilarious comedy. Also, a fantastic five.
#17: Gina’s Phone
“The Chopper”
Gina barely pays attention to her job on a good day. In this cold open, Jake observes that she hasn’t even looked up from her phone for hours. Thus begins another contest, in which he and the other detectives all bet to see who can get her to look away from it first. Loud music and noises are ineffective, and even news that a former president is dead doesn’t do it. Instead, it’s Terry who manages to succeed, using the relationship status on his social media account to peak Gina’s interest. It does get him in the doghouse with his wife, though. Hopefully all that money Terry won will earn him some points…or get him enough to buy her a nice gift.
#16: Hairy Monster
“Monster in the Closet”
Charles Boyle is a huge dork, but he’s a good detective and a great dad…even if he always pronounces his son’s name wrong. When Nikolaj (yes, Nikolaj!) [Nikolai] has an apparent nightmare about a hairy monster in his closet, Charles is there to comfort him. While he says all the right things given the cliched circumstances, what neither he, nor we, expect is that that unhinged detective Adrian Pimento is actually in there! They both scream, and we’re all screaming with laughter! Pimento has done a lot of weird stuff, but this may be one of his funniest moments!
#15: Baby News
“Admiral Peralta”
Season 7 includes Jake and Amy trying to have a baby. After a long time working on it, they reveal in this cold open that Amy is pregnant. However, they don’t get as big of a reaction as they’d hoped. While Charles offers to make himself faint, and Rosa suggests “helping,” the squad reveals their lack of surprise was due to how incredibly obvious Amy was not hiding her newfound baby bump. Although the initial shock may have been ruined, Jake is still able to make Charles pass out by lying about having twins. Truly, having children brings about many miracles.
#14: ‘80s Hitchcock & Scully
“Hitchcock & Scully”
This cold open begins with a flashback to the 1980s. Here we see a young Hitchcock and Scully in their prime, posing as drug buyers. However, far from being the incompetent morons they became, back then they appear to have been awesome detectives, busting the mob boss, Gio Costa. The younger versions of the characters are perfectly cast, and they have the mannerisms of their older counterparts down pat. The ‘80s style of the scene is great, and it honestly has us wishing for a spin-off starring these two.
#13: Frosted Tips
“The Night Shift”
Remember the ‘90s? Remember when guys frosted their tips to look more like the Backstreet Boys? Well, the Nine-Nine sure does, and they are NOT having any of it – even when Jake decides to try on the look for himself. Having spent the first part of season 4 in witness protection in Florida, Jake returns to New York City having picked up a few bad habits down South… but none more so than his choice of hairstyle. The joke is clearly a shot at Florida for being behind the times, but it also reminds us that – once upon a time – frosting one’s tips was the cool thing to do (believe it or not). The fact that Charles frosts his too, is just the icing on the cake.
#12: “Thanks, Dad!”
“The Apartment”
Jake Peralta has daddy issues. This isn’t news to long-time Nine-Nine viewers, but in season 1, it was still a little surprising. When Jake interrogates a suspect with the worst alibi of all time, Holt praises him for closing another case. Jake replies with: “Thanks Dad!” The whole precinct stops dead, and everyone proceeds to mock him for it. The creative ways they make fun of him are great, and even the criminal ends up confessing to corroborate that it happened. Holt even offers to play catch with Jake. We know he was kidding, but like Jake, we’d love to see them throw a ball around.
#11: Jake’s Prank on Holt
“Sicko”
Jake loves a good prank. While many have gone awry, this is one of his greatest successes. During the morning briefing, Jake shares his plans to prank Holt, using ink on the podium. However, most of the squad warns him away from it, and Hitchcock seems to have fallen for a similar prank…or just made a strange mistake. Regardless, Jake decides to tone it down to progressively smaller movements of Holt’s podium, settling on a half-inch. Not only does Holt notice it, but he also delivers one of his loudest and most genuine laughs of the series, wondering how they pulled it off. Truly, Jake is a madman!
#10: Mason Jars
“The Mattress”
Never one to miss an opportunity to bet on Hitchcock and Scully’s stupidity, Jake calls the detectives into the breakroom after Scully shows him a mason jar full of lemonade. Jake excitedly reveals some life-changing info – Hitchcock has a mason jar with a goldfish in it. Jake is all set to have the squad bet on whether Hitchcock will put fish food in Scully’s lemonade or if Scully will drink Hitchcock’s fish. Unfortunately, Jake underestimated their stupidity, since Hitchcock drinks his own fish! The sheer unexpected nature of this moment, along with Jake’s over-the-top despair, makes for a hysterical combination.
#9: Holt’s Dance-Off
“Hostage Situation”
Like Capt. Holt shouting “HOT DAMN!” after guessing why Amy was late for work — more on that in a minute — this cold open works so well because it not only upends our expectations of Holt so well, but it does so for Jake and Charles too. The straight walking, slow talking, consummate professional in Capt. Holt would obviously diffuse a heated situation on the streets, but through dancing?? Seriously?! That’s what makes Holt so unpredictably hilarious. To make it even better, Jake and Charles can’t get to their phones quick enough to record it, so it’s literally as if it never happened, because no one in the Nine-Nine is going to believe that Capt. Holt took part in a dance-off. A Spelling Bee, maybe. But not a dance-off!
#8: Full Bullpen
“Skyfire Cycle”
While we expect Jake to act a fool the majority of the time (or ALL the time), we don’t expect it from Capt. Holt. If the Nine-Nine crew are stuck on night shift and there’s a cleaner waxing the floor, we know Jake will slide on the freshly-waxed floor in his socks. That’s Jake! But Holt lifting Jake’s arm in a victorious gesture after completing the long slide from the Captain’s office to the elevator is something out of character for the Captain and it totally messes with our expectations (hilariously, we should add). Just look at Holt’s face coming off the elevator, he looks super pissed, but – nope! – he’s as pumped as everyone else that Jake nailed the Full Bullpen.
#7: Oldest Bag
“The Vulture”
Joe Lo Truglio is incredible as Charles Boyle. Every time he inserts himself into a conversation, it’s bound to end badly for him, but yet he just keeps doing it with a huge smile on his face. This cold open would have been funny enough with Charles mistakenly talking about the oldest woman he ever slept with while the rest of the Gang were talking about their oldest arrest; but, what puts it over the top is that Boyle attempts to justify his romancing of a 68-year-old and then goes on to explain how he met her! Watch Andy Samberg’s face as he genuinely cracks up when Boyle says he went to college with her grandson. Amazing.
#6: Amy’s Late for Work
“Jake and Sophia”
It’s one of the better known – and most quoted – cold opens in the show’s run and, HOT DAMN!, there’s good reason for that! It’s not everyday that the normally dry and stoic Capt. Holt explodes in a comical burst of enthusiasm. But, then again, Amy being late for work is a BIG DEAL (as her character is so uptight and perfectionist) so we can understand why Holt is so excited for guessing correctly. What makes this scene so funny is that Capt. Holt doesn’t partake in these little office games often – usually telling everyone to “get back to work” – but this time he not only joins – he wins! Hot damn, indeed! We love seeing Capt. Holt happy!
#5: Gina’s Linexit
“Four Movements”
While we sure were sad to see Gina leave the Nine-Nine, there’s also no denying that she made one hell of an exit! But, honestly, what did we expect from the woman who worships Rihanna as a God and doesn’t even know who President George W. Bush was? Gina’s all about style over substance and that’s why her two week’s notice comes complete with backup dancers! It’s funny because we expect something over-the-top from Gina, but we weren’t expecting a multilayered dance expressing different parts of her personality. But, thinking about it, after almost six seasons of dancing, wanting to dance, and always talking about dancing, it makes perfect sense. Farewell Gina! You will be missed.
#4: Hula Hooping Injury
“Unsolvable”
We can see why the whole Nine-Nine office was speculating about Captain Holt’s injured wrist and his reluctance to talk about it. The idea of Holt tripping on the sidewalk just doesn’t fit into his careful and precise manner. And, it’s surely not as if he was off doing something dangerous like rock-climbing or something. Perhaps he sprained it while playing “air cello” and listening to Yo-Yo Ma? We could actually buy that story… But, it turns out that Holt was indeed doing something not dangerous but quite silly – hula hooping! It’s such a stretch to picture Holt hula hooping for exercise but the pictures on his phone are all the proof we need! And no one will believe a word Jake says…
#3: Dianne Wiest Infection
“The Overmining”
Everyone loves a good bad joke, right? A pun so bad and so stupid that, on some level, it’s just funny. . . Well, count Charles in as someone who does – to the point where he probably spent the majority of his weekend planning this Dianne Wiest joke. By turning the name of a famous actress into a common bodily infection, Boyle may have just created one of the worst good bad jokes of all time… Or would that be the best good bad joke of all time?? Anyway! The look on Boyle’s face shows that he clearly knows how bad the joke was, and he’s praying for some sort of reaction from Jake, who refuses to give him any satisfaction. It’s a standoff, Nine-Nine style!
#2: Holt’s First Marshmallow
“Mr. Santiago”
There are many times when Jake tries to make Capt. Holt the butt of a joke, but Andre Braugher’s performance (as Holt) just steals the scene and makes us love him even more than we already do. This is one of them… With everyone offering their impersonation of Holt eating his first marshmallow, Charles’ giddy impression seems to be the least accurate, as we just can’t picture the Captain giggling like a little child after biting into a “marshed mallow.” But, not only are we fooled, but Jake and Company look foolish as well, as Capt. Holt takes one bite of the fluffy sweet and breaks into a fit of the giggles! This is the ultimate example of Capt. Holt defying our expectations.
#1: Backstreet Boys Criminal Lineup
“DFW”
What would our number one spot be without Andy Samberg taking center stage? This scene is a pretty clever twist on the traditional police lineup, which usually just has the victim pointing out their assailant through a two-way mirror. Since the victim only heard the perp singing a Backstreet Boys song, however, Jake is forced to rethink the police lineup in hilarious fashion. What makes it so funny is that the song is super catchy (go on… admit it! You like it!) and so Jake gets caught up in the singing and totally forgets he’s investigating a murder! But, the guilty party does end up giving himself away via his beautiful rendition of the song, proving Jake is the best detective in the Nine-Nine.
