Top 10 Holt Quotes on Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Although normally a paragon of professionalism, Captain Holt does have a long-lasting and occasionally childish rivalry with Madeline Wuntch. It usually consists of them lobbing rather creative insults at each other. As hilarious as his realization that Wuntch rhymes with lunch is, we had to give our pick to this interaction, in which Holt questions who’s guarding Hades if she has come to meet him. Not only do we appreciate Holt’s use of Greek mythology in an insult, but we also can’t help but imagine Wuntch as a three-headed dog.

Captain Holt is a refined and classy man, with many diverse interests. Food, however, is not one of them. Most of Holt’s favorite meals seem geared towards being as flavorless and bland as possible. That’s why it’s so surprising that Holt approaches Charles Boyle, the precinct’s resident foodie, for food-related advice. However, once they’re in his office, Holt immediately dashes Boyle’s hopes, proclaiming his lack of interest in food and claiming that he’d prefer to consume all the nutrients required for the human body through smoothies. The mechanical way he describes it is funny and helps to fuel the impression that he may secretly be a robot that learned to feel.

Speaking of Holt’s stilted, robotic personality, the man may be a fantastic captain and a great husband, but social interaction is still not his strong suit. Although generally more competent in this area than most of the squad, when he does screw something up, he can be as awkward as any of them. After telling Sharon, Terry’s wife, that Terry’s back on active duty, Holt acknowledges that he’s caused a problem, and then transparently fakes getting a text by imitating an alert noise with his mouth. Pretty much any time Holt says a nonsense word is great, but the added layer of clumsiness makes this one something special.

When the precinct is in danger of closing, Amy Santiago is disappointed that she’ll lose Holt as a potential mentor. After Holt reveals that he was intentionally mentoring her after all, she begs him to speed-mentor her; typing up everything he says. While a lot of Holt’s rapid-fire work and life advice is funny, the greatest is easily his take on what various greetings mean. “Good morning” and “how are you?” both naturally mean, “hello,” but according to Holt, “what’s up?” is a clear red flag. We’re pretty sure most of the Nine-Nine has said that before though...

“The Box” is one of the more unorthodox episodes of “Brooklyn Nine-Nine,” following Holt and Jake Peralta attempting to break a suspect in the interrogation room. While Holt primarily plays the role of the more level-headed and intelligent cop on the team, one topic sets him off. Although Holt at first appears to be trying to get a rise out of the suspect by disparaging his profession as a dentist, the captain soon makes it clear that his feelings about who the title of “doctor” does and does not belong to are more passionate than at first glance. Personally, we’d love to hear more of his thoughts on etymology.

Madeline Wuntch creates or capitalizes on many problems for Holt. Early in season two, Holt faces several dovetailing issues, including a wasteful taskforce and an internal affairs investigation. While drowning his sorrows at the bar, Hitchcock and Scully ask him if everything’s okay. Holt replies with an impassioned monologue with practically Shakespearean imagery, as he laments his current situation in a verbose and brilliantly acted manner. You can really tell that actor Andre Braugher went to Juilliard! Too bad he wasted such a fantastic speech on two of his dopiest detectives…

Raymond Holt has struggled throughout his career as a police officer. Given that he’s part of several marginalized groups, he has faced plenty of discrimination and ridicule. That’s why it’s so heartwarming to see him support Rosa when she comes out as bisexual. Holt is also impressed by his detectives for their responses, contrasting them to that of his former colleagues, saying that they were not “awake.” His refusal to use the correct term “woke,” is yet another classic Holt moment too, since it touches on him being a stickler for grammar.

Due to an unfortunate set-up, Rosa and Jake end up imprisoned. While visiting the former, Captain Holt and Terry go to comical lengths to be accommodating towards her and anything she requests. Eventually she gives them a list of things she wants. One of these involves driving her motorcycle, which neither finds excitement at the prospect of. Although Terry tries to beg off, citing his three kids, Holt asks if his life somehow matters less because he doesn’t conform to heteronormative standards. Holt is such a great gay character precisely because he doesn’t conform to gay stereotypes, which makes his monotone delivery of “yas queen” even funnier!

While not the most outwardly affectionate man in the world, Holt does have a lot of love to give. One of the more heartwarming relationships on the show is between the Captain and his dog, Cheddar. But as hilariously awesome as his exclamation of [“YOU TOOK THE WRONG FLUFFY BOY!”] when confronting the man who kidnapped the corgi was, even greater is a case of mistaken dog identity. During one of the precinct’s annual Halloween heists, Holt trains his fluffy boy to retrieve the belt at the center of that year’s heist for him. However, much to Holt’s surprise, the belt, or cummerbund, is a common cummerbund, and the dog who brought it to him is a similarly ordinary female dog.

Before we get to our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions:

Sarcasm, “Sabotage”
So What Does That Make Facetiousness?

Everything Is Garbage, “The Funeral”
This Is Definitely a Mood

Birthed Her, “Monster in the Closet”
We’d Watch That Birth Video

BRB, “The Audit”
He Makes a Fair Point

Crime Has Continued, “The Audit”
There’s No Pleasing Some People

This is, without a doubt, one of the funniest quotes in all of “Brooklyn Nine-Nine.” After being forced onto the night shift, Captain Holt and his husband Kevin have an argument over the “Monty Hall problem,” sniping at each other constantly over the phone. While Amy tries to educate Holt on the math problem, Rosa theorizes that the Captain and Kevin being kept apart is the issue. However, Holt takes loud and vocal issue with the crudity of Rosa’s verb choice. The captain’s ensuing meltdown may leave Amy nearly catatonic, but it has us in stitches!