Every GTA Romance Option Ranked

“Grand Theft Auto V” (2013)

Look, if clubs like Vanilla Unicorn are your thing, more power to you. But if you’re going in there expecting more than a “how do you do”, this ain’t the place. Nikki, Juliet, Sapphire, it doesn’t matter who you go with because they are all one note. So long as you are paying their bills and keeping the club afloat, they only care about what YOU want. There is no soul and no personality to get to know.

“Grand Theft Auto IV” (2008)

These kinds of girls were first introduced when GTA IV got the “Ballad of Gay Tony” expansion. Call up one of ten girls for a night of jumping on each other’s bones. However, you are required to dance with them before getting their number. Wait, you mean to tell me all it takes to impress them is just dancing with them? Nah, no one is that easy, right? …Right?

“Grand Theft Auto IV” (2008)

Finally, we’re getting into more specific characters, the dates where we can spend some time to get to know their interests, their beliefs, and who they are as a person. Well, Alexandra is the worst of the bunch. She is very much the worst type of rich person you could imagine. Alexandra puts way too much importance on material possession over everything else, she slept her way through college only to drop out, and she thinks shopping is a healthy way to cope with her mental health when it obviously does nothing to keep her dark thoughts away. We can only sympathize for so long before we eventually deem her a lost cause. Best to just move on.

“Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas” (2004)

Katie is a bit of a step up from Alexandra. She denies Epsilon Program’s beliefs, tries to keep herself in good health by avoiding fast food, and finds solace just being near the ocean. She’s basically a relatively normal person…until she starts having a Barbie moment. The ways she’ll work death and car accidents into the conversation is truly bizarre. Like, the way she talks about it is almost borderline obsessive, and he gets a kick just from a minor bump into a parked car. The lady’s weird. Bail, BAIL!

“Grand Theft Auto IV” (2008)

Carmen is just like Katie in that she seems totally fine at first. The constant referring to herself in the third-person can be odd at times, but that’s okay. Everyone has their quirks. Thing is that, well, there are two problems with her. The first is that she is very forward with what she wants to the point where it comes off as if she made her decision with no regard to how you might feel. We can respect it to a degree, but she’s way too explicit. What really kills everything is how Carmen constantly puts herself on a pedestal when comparing herself to other women. We hope some of you out there can tell the difference between “self-confidence” and “overly inflated ego”.

“Grand Theft Auto IV” (2008)

Kate can be a really tricky person to date. Really tricky. Like, so tricky you might wind up thinking you’re the one going crazy. She has her own beliefs about certain things, and that’s all fine and dandy. Everyone has their own beliefs and values, right? Thing is that when you see her enough times, you’ll learn that she and her entire family are…well, not right in the head, to put it respectfully. We’ll just say that she and her brothers did not have a great life at home under their tyrannical father. It has clearly done a number on her, and she hasn’t seemed to try and get some help.

“Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas” (2004)

Now, we’re starting to get into the more reasonable people in the world of GTA. Denise is a woman who is just trying to live life and see some excitement from time to time. You wanna grab pizza? She’s down. You wanna head to a bar? She’s down. You wanna just drive around and cruise? She’s down! Our only gripe with her is that she has said before she likes to wander around Vagos territory for kicks. Lady, are you trying to get us both killed or just you? We ain’t down with that!

“Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas” (2004)

Look, if you want to know the type of woman Millie is, just take note of the place she works at. Millie works at a casino in Las Venturas known as Caligula’s Palace. Caligula was a Roman emperor who was highly respected in his early years until he became more perverted by his power. And yes, we mean that in both the literal and highly suggestive sense. Simply put, Millie is a kinky lady. A very kinky lady who should wear a “date at your own risk” sign on her at all times. She knows what she likes, and she isn’t afraid to get extremely intense with it. You have been warned.

“Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas” (2004)

Everyone likes a country girl! She isn’t no Hannah Barron, going around and wrestling catfish and building houses from scratch, but Helena is perhaps the first datable GTA character we’d stand for! She’s a simple farm girl who values cleanliness, exploring restaurants instead of settling for fast food, and killing some time shooting targets in her yard. Besides, keep her around and happy long enough, and she might let you use the chainsaw and flamethrowers in the toolshed!

“Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas” (2004)

If you’re more into cars than farms, then Michelle is definitely your type of woman. Not only is she into cars, Michelle runs her very own garage where she fixes up cars. She’ll fix yours up, too, if you treat her right, and she may even reduce the price for you. She may even let you drive her beast of a monster truck! C’mon, she’s cool, she’s ambitious, and she’s got a sick truck? Who wouldn’t want to date Michelle?? Gimme that racing suit - I’ll advertise your business all day! We’ll be swimming in cash!

“Grand Theft Auto IV” (2008)

It’s kind of hard to think of a GTA character who is truly kindhearted and caring rather than crass, crude, and rude. Kiki is one of those rare examples. While she does come from a wealthy family, she is still tuned into the world and its problems. She’s trying to build her career as a lawyer on her own merits rather than seek money from mom and dad all the time. Kiki also has standards that really aren’t unreasonable compared to the other dates you can meet in GTA IV. Don’t cheat, give her the space when she needs it, wear your heart on your sleeve, and all will be well. Call her too much or date other women behind her back, and, well, you’re going to feel the pain…and a lot of guilt.

“Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas” (2004)

Barbara is absolutely the best girlfriend in “San Andreas”. Initially, dating her would seem like a conflict of interest. She’s a cop. You’re a thug. It shouldn’t work out. And yet, it absolutely can. Barbara is not the controlling type, and she is such a wonderful mother to her two kids. Honestly, it kind of makes us feel horrible about committing crimes while she’s on the job. This is mostly because she will bail you out again and again and again, letting you walk out of prison with all of your weapons and gear still equipped. She’ll even make you an honorary cop if you treat her like a queen!

“Grand Theft Auto IV” (2008)

We know, we know… We very well know what happens in GTA IV with “Michelle”. Up until her reveal, we had some sneaking suspicion regarding the stuff she was asking about Niko. And what makes dating her even more painful is that even after everything, she still admits that she had some affection for Niko. She even shows a bit of remorse in having to manipulate him for her job. It’s okay, babe. If we could, we’d do it all over again. And we will always have Pool Night.

Which GTA character did you try to romance? Let us know down in the comments, and don’t forget to subscribe to MojoPlays for more great videos everyday!