Top 10 Musicals We're Glad Riverdale Will Never Have the Chance to Do

Stephen Sondheim’s masterful, terrifying musical is one of many on this list that perfectly fits “Riverdale’s” horror-adjacent vibe. Yet surprisingly, the teen drama hasn’t ventured into Sweeney territory before. But that’s probably for the best. Picture this: Archie sings “Johanna,” but changes the name to “Veronica”, or “Betty” (depending on the season). Or we watch as Betty dances at the Whyte Wyrm, while “Pretty Women” plays in the background. It has so much potential to be cringey, we can barely stand to think about it. There’s still time with season seven, but we’re hoping they’ll do the wise thing and leave the Demon Barber of Fleet Street alone.

“Riverdale” is all about relationship drama. And not many musicals capture the angst of teen romance quite like “West Side Story.” But while the two entities share an angsty heart, that’s about the bulk of what they share. “West Side Story” has one of the most beautiful, sophisticated scores in musical theater history. And well, sophisticated isn’t necessarily how most folks would describe “Riverdale.” In the show’s hands, “West Side Story” would potentially be reduced to Archie and Betty or Veronica gritting their way through “One Hand, One Heart.” Or maybe we’d get a half-hearted rendition of “Gee, Officer Krupke,” courtesy of the football team. No shade, but we’ll stick to the original, or one of the film adaptations.

If you close your eyes, you can probably see it oh so clearly. The cast of “Riverdale” chugging their way through the prologue of “Into the Woods.” Betty would be Cinderella, Cheryl would be the Witch, and Jughead would be … Milky White, or something. Considering more of “Riverdale” takes place in the woods than you’d expect, we’re actually pretty surprised the creative team didn’t try to shoehorn this Sondheim classic in. The cast spends so much time trudging … into the woods, if you will, that it would make sense. Luckily, we were spared Archie singing a rousing rendition of “Giants in the Sky.”

One of the most fun aspects of “Riverdale”’s earlier days was its inclusion of Josie and the Pussycats, a teen rock band from the Archie Comics universe. The group rules, and Josie McCoy was one of the best side characters around. With proverbial cats previously so readily available for storylines, it’s amazing the musical “Cats” wasn’t featured. Josie and her fellow felines crossing tails with T. S. Eliot’s singing kitties seems like a pretty logical step by “Riverdale” standards. But we all remember what happened when Andrew Lloyd Webber’s famous musical was brought to the big screen in 2019. So as you can imagine, we have some doubts about its viability on a TV show.

In its last seasons, “Riverdale” has leaned HARD into the supernatural elements of its story. In particular, it has played around with resurrection, alternate universes, superpowers, and time travel. But as out there as “Riverdale” gets, it thankfully hasn’t crossed into Greek mythology territory — at least not very deeply. We don’t know how we would handle it if “Hadestown” suddenly popped up on the show. The musical is a retelling of the story of Orpheus and Eurydice, and literally involves a trip to the Underworld. It seems like it would be candy to the “Riverdale” creative team, but thankfully, they’ve let it be.

In the earlier days, the folks of “Riverdale” had to deal with a menacing entity called the Black Hood. As you may recall, he was responsible for a lot of death and mayhem in town. To recap, he’s a masked madman who runs around hurting people and has an awkward obsession with Betty in particular. How did the show not draw “The Phantom of the Opera” comparison here?! We can see it now – the Black Hood appears to Betty, tricking her into coming down into his lair and yelling, “Sing for me!” We can imagine just how terrible that could have been, so we want to thank the writers for not going there.

The relationship between Betty and Veronica is one of the central parts of “Riverdale.” Throughout the seasons, sometimes they’re besties, sometimes not so much. Sometimes they’re fighting over the same boy, sometimes they’re not. Sometimes magic is involved, sometimes it’s not. Hm … that kind of sounds like another blonde and brunette duo we know! “Wicked” is such a popular musical, it’s astounding that “Riverdale” didn’t try to take some of that hype and channel it into Veronica and Betty. But we can do without the duo singing “For Good,” “Defying Gravity,” or really anything else from the show. It’s probably best to leave that one in the drafts.

There’s one place WE will not be found – watching a “Riverdale” episode that includes the sonic stylings of “Dear Evan Hansen.” The series loves taking on a teen musical, so it might seem a little strange that it didn’t tackle this wildly popular one. But when you really think about it? “Dear Evan Hansen” is way too earnest for the likes of “Riverdale.” Think about it – can you imagine Jughead singing "Waving Through a Window"? Can you envision the entire cast coming together to give us an uplifting rendition of “You Will Be Found?” We can’t quite get there, so we’re glad the show didn’t try to make it a thing.

Okay, we know what you’re thinking. “Les Misérables” is about a revolution in France. How in the world could “Riverdale” fit that into its narrative? Well for one, we would ask you to not underestimate the will of the writing staff. But beyond that, one of the most essential parts of “Les Mis” isn’t the war. It’s the romance, the melodrama, the love triangles! A trio like Betty, Veronica, and Archie could easily fit into the mold of Cosette, Éponine, and Marius. It would be so easy, in fact, that we can only assume the writers thought of it and decided to nix the idea. We’d say that was the right call. We’re not sure that particular version of “A Heart Full of Love” would’ve been worth watching.

Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions.

Stay Away From “War and Peace”!

These Boots Were Not Made for Riverdale

Don’t We Get to Be Happy, Archie?

This Would Probably NOT Be the Greatest Show

Admit it, you had a feeling this was coming. “Hamilton” “Riverdale” style is not something we need to see. We know it, you know it – heck, even the show’s creative team probably knows it! That’s not to say we don’t love “Hamilton” as a musical – we absolutely do! And “Riverdale” has its own quirky charms. But the two just don’t mix. Seeing Josie and the Pussycats as the Schuyler sisters, or Betty singing “Satisfied” while pining after Archie or Jughead, doesn’t sound too fun. Plus, in order to pull off “Hamilton,” you would need to convince us that these kids actually went to history class. That’s a definite nope – seriously, how did they graduate?