Top 10 Funniest Cartman Quotes on South Park

After getting his tonsils removed in this episode, Cartman is infected with HIV because doctors botched the surgery. HIV and AIDS are, needless to say, monstrously serious topics, but that doesn’t stop Cartman from developing the habit of saying he’s “HIV-positive” whenever he’s sure about something. After all, what’s the point of having an affliction if you can’t take advantage of word play opportunities that come with it, right?? What’s great about this line is how silly the pun is in contrast to how heavy the topic s . . . though Kyle doesn’t see the humor in it.

It’s no secret that Cartman doesn’t get along with Stan and Kyle, and is often at odds with them. In this episode, Cartman dresses up like General Robert E. Lee and leads a Confederate army of Civil War reenactors to revive the Confederacy, to avoid losing a bet about which side won the Civil War. While on the road, Cartman sends along a letter that begins with this quote, where he expresses his true feelings for his supposed friends. It’s reminiscent of Ken Burns’ famed “Civil War” documentary, for example Major Sullivan Ballou’s moving letter to his wife. Except in this case, Cartman is driven by spite.

At the end of early episodes of “South Park,” Kyle or Stan would learn a lesson after going through a bizarre experience. However, here we have one of the rare times that Cartman learns a lesson. Of course, because this is Cartman, the lesson learned won’t lead to moral clarity or any kind of enlightenment. He learns the benefits of being a sellout, after making money selling t-shirts from a movie he had a hand in creating. It figures that Cartman would take away a lesson that would make him more short-sighted and selfish.

Trying to make the most of their weekend, Stan and his friends look for something to do. The problem is, Stan doesn’t want to do an activity that costs money. Dismissing the plea for frugality, Cartman then utters this quote, which according to him is the “first law of physics.” However, to be fair to Cartman, because Stan wants to do something free, he ends up taking a personality test that gets him in trouble with Tom Cruise and the Church of Scientology. So he should have taken Cartman’s advice.

After seeing a new girl named Nichole at school, Cartman tries to set her up with Token. Unsurprisingly, his intentions aren’t pure, as the reason he’s trying to make Nichole and Token a couple is because he thinks that only people from the same race should date each other. When Butters questions whether Nichole and Token are right for each other, Cartman enlightens Butters with this pearl, his take on love. It may be the least-romantic statement ever made on the subject of love, and is clearly more reflective of Cartman’s manipulative nature.

In denial about his weight problem, Cartman always comes up with excuses whenever he’s called fat by his peers, such as referring to himself as “big-boned.” One example of this takes place in the first “South Park” Christmas special, when Cartman refers to himself as “festively plump” after Stan cruelly calls him “fatboy.” “Festively plump” sounds like a good euphemism for anyone who is overweight to use, though “festive” doesn’t exactly come across as an accurate word to describe Cartman. Usually, when he is happy, it’s more like sadistic glee.

Speaking of Cartman’s sadistic glee, here’s a classic example of just that. After tricking Scott Tenorman into eating the remains of his parents and revealing how it was part of elaborate payback for the humiliation he put Cartman through, Cartman lets out with this childish taunt. The burn feels, shall we say, just a wee bit on the insensitive side after having carried out such a sadistic and twisted plan. This was a kind of turning point in how evil Cartman can get and how cavalier he could be about his horrible actions.

A common catchphrase in early seasons, this is what Cartman says whenever he feels insulted by Stan and Kyle. Or if he feels annoyed by a set of circumstances, and wants to bail, such as being trapped in a rainforest or getting hung up on a cross. Cartman often says this when someone needs his help or cooperation, and he doesn’t feel like being a team player in any way. It’s the perfect thing to say whenever you want to tell off the world and you want to get away from it all, rightly or wrongly.

Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions.

"Too Bad Drinking Scotch Isn't a Paying Job..."
“Pinkeye”

“If You Wanna Find Some Quality Friends...”
“You Have 0 Friends”

"I Know Enough to Exploit It."
“Christian Rock Hard”

"No, Kitty! This Is My Pot Pie!"
“Cartman Gets an Anal Probe”

While Officer Barbrady is busy learning how to read, he makes Cartman a deputy, leaving him in charge of maintaining law and order in South Park. The “authoritah” goes to Cartman’s head, and he quickly abuses it. For example, when he stops and questions Stan’s dad, Randy, who he suspects is breaking the law, he utters this classic line right before he, oh, beats him with a nightstick for talking back and failing to comply with his demands. The fact that he thinks is owed respect because of his position shows how arrogant and entitled he is. “Respect my authoritah!” pretty much sums up, hilariously, what Cartman is all about.