Top 10 Times Cartman Got a Serious Beating

Cartman may have been the founder of the superhero team Coon and Friends, but it didn’t take long for the rest of the group to kick him out. Being Cartman – or, in this case, his wannabe-crime-fighter alter ego – the Coon vows revenge against his former allies. Conveniently, the Dark Lord Cthulhu has just been unleashed, and Cartman is able to cozy up to the monster to get him on his side. Their reign of terror doesn’t last long. Cthulhu is soon defeated by Mintberry Crunch, who proves once and for all what it really means to be “the good guy.”

If there’s anyone who knows how to put Cartman in his place, it’s his frenemy Kyle Broflovski. Since the show’s inception, Kyle has physically overpowered Cartman on several occasions, even going back as far as Season 2’s “Cow Days.” At an annual town festival celebrating the noble bovine, Cartman insists on spending all the boys’ money on lame rides. The others – namely Kyle – blame Cartman for their lack of funds, and Kyle physically pressures him to enter a bull riding competition for $5,000. This merely results in Cartman getting amnesia. Ironically, Kyle’s ferocity in this episode almost paints him as more antagonistic than Cartman, though the latter’s future misdeeds tell a different story.

In the series debut, Cartman becomes a prime target for extraterrestrial antics. After claiming he had a dream about being abducted by aliens, Cartman soon discovers the nightmare was all too real. The aliens implant a tracking device in his rectum, causing him extreme discomfort and humiliation. This culminates in a scene where the device activates, emitting a massive satellite dish from Cartman's backside. This was before Cartman was established as the most sociopathic character on the show. So, initial viewers probably felt kind of bad for him. But in hindsight, he absolutely deserves it.

Season 21 has Cartman in a full-fledged, if complicated, relationship with classmate Heidi Turner. In “Doubling Down,” Heidi’s affections briefly turn to Kyle after she confides in him about Cartman’s toxicity. Cartman, naturally, is not thrilled about Kyle stealing his girlfriend and confronts him at school in an Old Western-style showdown. At first, it looks like a fight may start, with a group of kids gathered in the hallway to watch. But the brawl doesn’t last long. Kyle knocks Cartman out with a single punch. Sadly, but not surprisingly, Cartman manipulates his way back into Heidi’s heart by the end.

Tolkien is portrayed as a sweet, friendly, and mild-mannered kid in the boys’ class. But Eric Cartman can push even the most docile people to their limits. Here, Cartman recruits Tolkien and Butters to form “Faith +1,” an ostensibly Christian musical group that’s really just a get-rich-quick scheme. The band does incredibly well, eventually selling over a million records. But when Cartman’s plan to get a platinum album is foiled (because in Christian music, they only give out “myrrh” albums,) he destroys the band’s reputation by spewing blasphemy in front of their fans. This leads to a face-off between him and Tolkien, who defeats Cartman with three easy blows.

In Season 8’s “Goobacks,” the tiny mountain town faces the complex issue of immigration. Meanwhile, our four protagonists deal with this concern in their own, precocious way when they start a snow shoveling service. Predictably, Cartman weasels his way out of doing any work other than negotiating payment with their first customer. This doesn’t sit well with the more morally conscious Kyle, who berates Cartman for his laziness. An argument ensues, and Cartman talks his normal big game. In the next shot, it’s implied Kyle hit Cartman in the face with a shovel and injured his nose. Okay, so maybe we don’t actually see this particular attack, but it’s certainly an example of Kyle showing Cartman who’s boss.

A product of the 19th season (which involved a serialized storyline for the first time in “South Park” history), PC Principal is a walking, talking parody of extreme “woke” culture. Although he may have the best intentions, he’s not above resorting to violence to get his point across. We see this firsthand in “Stunning and Brave,” when Cartman threatens to blackmail him. Far from taking the bait, the new principal becomes offended by Cartman’s quote-unquote insensitive remarks and savagely beats the fourth grader, landing him in the hospital. Cartman may have learned the hard way, but at least he knows who he’s up against now.

This episode near the end of Season 5 really threw fans for a loop. Trey Parker and Matt Stone decided to play with the “Kenny dying” gag by killing him off for good (or so we thought at the time). As such, this storyline constantly toes the line between funny and heartbreaking, featuring many sweet moments of bonding among the four main boys. In fact, there’s a point where Cartman cries into Kyle’s arms while promising to find a cure for Kenny’s illness. It was something fans never thought they’d see! Of course, it turns out Cartman’s only big scheme was to build his own pizza restaurant out of stem cells. When Kyle realizes he comforted Cartman for no reason, it’s not pretty.

This darkly hilarious Season 15 premiere sees Kyle thrust into a very unfortunate arrangement. Not that Cartman cares. He’s too busy begging for an iPad, which is just about the only gift his indulgent mother Liane is unable to provide. After begging, whining, and otherwise pulling his usual “Cartman” shtick to get what he wants, he’s eventually given an iPad… sort of. When justice prevails and it’s taken away, Cartman turns upward and begins to furiously taunt God, only to be promptly struck by lightning. You may be able to mouth off to your poor mother, but God doesn’t take so kindly to vulgarity.

We can’t rave enough about this victory. Wendy proves to be one of the show’s biggest badasses when she finally teaches Cartman a lesson. Cartman has always loved messing with his bud Stan’s on-again-off-again girlfriend, the overachieving Wendy. This time, he pushes her too far by disrespecting the topic of breast cancer. Wendy vows at the beginning of the episode to beat Cartman up, and although he tries to get out of it, Wendy certainly delivers in the end. She pummels him in front of the entire playground, and the animation really drives home that it hurts. Hopefully, Cartman knows better than to mess with Wendy Testaburger now.

Did Cartman deserve these savage beatdowns? Of course! Let’s discuss in the comments.