Top 10 Times Cartman Was Actually Nice to Someone

When Cartman sees a herd of confined, wide-eyed calves, he’s eager to eat them up, but the boys eventually convince him to help rescue the little bovines. Granted, Cartman only agrees after giving Kyle a face-full of farts. Without his Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering play-set, though, the calves would’ve been destined for the slaughterhouse. Even if Cartman is ready to quit at one point, he soon becomes legitimately invested. After the boys are deemed terrorists, Cartman is the one who negotiates with the authorities. Although they don’t get the calves to Mexico, Cartman’s negotiating tactics result in the word “veal” being changed to “tortured baby cow,” which doesn’t sound nearly as appetizing. Thus, Cartman not only helps save these calves, but also calves everywhere.

America owes a great debt to Cartman. When the American-Canadian War was breaking out and hell literally started rising, Cartman saved the day with some choice words for Saddam Hussein. Following 9/11, Cartman took on Osama bin Laden by borrowing a few pages from Bugs Bunny and other wartime cartoons. A stick of dynamite blows up almost the entire Taliban with only bin Laden left standing. This provides an opening for a U.S. soldier to put a bullet in bin Laden’s head, ending one of the bleakest chapters in American history. In reality, it’d be several years until bin Laden was assassinated and the Taliban remains active. In the wake of a tragedy, though, at least Cartman gave us something to laugh about.

Shelly is one person who won’t take Cartman’s crap, asserting upfront who’s in charge while babysitting. Upon meeting Shelley’s much older boyfriend Skyler, Cartman spends the night trying to catch the couple on tape. Cartman succeeds, but he decides not to use the evidence against Shelley after Skyler dumps her. Seeing how upset Shelley is, Cartman points out that Skyler was a creep who wanted a twelve-year-old girl to “put out.” After a pep talk, Shelley and Cartman team up to get back at Skyler. Luring him out of his house, they destroy what Skyler loves most: his guitar. When Skyler seeks retribution, Cartman unleashes an army of cats that takes away the other thing Skyler loves most. Cartman’s not such a turd after all.

It was only a matter of time until Cartman winded up behind bars. Convicted for throwing a rock at Token, Cartman struggles to adapt to juvenile hall life. In time, he develops a true friendship with his cellmate, Romper Stomper. Although Cartman puts up a tough front, Romper can see that he’s a scared little boy who can’t handle incarceration. Taking pity on Cartman, Romper helps him escape the big house. The breakout is a failure, but it doesn’t matter since Cartman is pardoned by the governor anyway. Cartman doesn’t forget about Romper, visiting him later on. Remembering that Romper always wanted to see Disneyland, Cartman smuggles in the Happiest Place on Earth… up his buttock. Thankfully, this disgusting act of generosity is performed offscreen.

It’s not often that we see Cartman serving as the voice of reason. In the 100th episode, however, he delivers a classic “I learned something today” speech. Like the rest of the country, South Park is divided over the Iraq War. Following a self-induced flashback to 1776, Cartman finds that the Founding Fathers faced a similar quandary. Through Benjamin Franklin, Cartman learns that a country must be willing to fight for its freedom, but people should also have the freedom to protest. Cartman passes along this lesson to his town, showing them that it takes a little bit of country and a little bit of rock ‘n’ roll to achieve balance. While South Park still has differing opinions, Cartman brings everyone together in perfect harmony.

On our list of the Worst Things Eric Cartman Has Ever Done, giving Kyle HIV came in second. At least he didn’t make Kyle eat his own parents. As reprehensible as Cartman’s actions are in this episode, he does redeem himself. Cartman realizes that the answer to curing AIDS must reside in Magic Johnson, who’s remained healthy despite his HIV diagnosis. It turns out that Johnson has been unknowingly sleeping with the answer this whole time: large sums of cash. Thanks to Cartman, Kyle, and a little bit of magic, AIDS is finally cured… assuming you have $180,000 lying around. Cartman saved countless lives by destroying one of the deadliest diseases in human history. Still, if we were Kyle, we’d probably break Cartman’s Xbox too.

Getting ignored by his schoolmates, Cartman jumps to the conclusion that he’s died and become a ghost. With help from Butters, Cartman seeks atonement to enter heaven. Gift baskets hardly make up for the atrocities that he’s committed, but at least Cartman’s heart is in the right place. Cartman comes to the conclusion that he’s still on Earth to stop a hostage crisis at the Red Cross Center. Assuming that nobody can see him, Cartman waltzes right in and starts making a ruckus. Of course, the criminals can see Cartman, but they’re so confused by his actions that they fail to notice Butters sneaking out the hostages. This act of heroism convinces the boys to forgive Cartman, who subsequently realizes that he’s not a ghost.

Given “authoritah” of the school hallways, Cartman takes his new position and persona quite seriously. Upon learning that Ike has been making out with Miss Stevenson on his territory, “Dawg the Hallway Monitor” douses the kindergarten teacher with bear mace. Exposing her actions to Principal Victoria, Cartman gets Miss Stevenson fired. She uses the Mel Gibson defense to get out of going to jail. Given society’s double standard, it isn’t long until the teacher is out of rehab and reunited with Ike. Cartman isn’t about to let this hallway infractor slip through the fingers of justice, recruiting Kyle and a few other crew members. Sure, Cartman’s main goal throughout the episode is keep his hallways clean. In the end, though, he succeeds in stopping a predator and bringing Ike home safely.

To say that Cartman has done some anti-Semitic things over the years would be an understatement. Yet, Cartman can’t see the irony when cats are banned in South Park, forcing him to hide Mr. Kitty in his attic. Even when he tells Mr. Kitty to write a diary, Carman fails to recognize the parallels to Anne Frank. Nevertheless, Cartman truly loves his cat, despite constantly yelling at him over pot pies. It isn’t long until more cat owners start showing up on Cartman’s doorstep, begging him to take in their beloved pets. In an especially rare instance, Cartman doesn’t have any alternative motive. He rescues the cats purely out of the goodness of his heart, although that goodness probably wouldn’t have shined through in Nazi Germany.

Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions.

Ending the Hippie Epidemic
“Die Hippie, Die”

Defeating World of Warcraft’s Greatest Enemy
“Make Love, Not Warcraft”

Rescue at the Planetarium
“Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods”

Retrieving a Little Girl’s Stolen Doll
“Lil’ Crime Stoppers”

Given all the times they’ve butted heads, Cartman is initially thrilled when Kyle and his family relocate to San Francisco. Cartman finds, however, that his life is empty without Kyle to rip on and Butters can’t fill the void. When San Francisco is about to be hit by a smug storm intensified by George Clooney’s Oscar acceptance speech, Cartman dons a hard-hat diving suit and sets off to rescue the Broflovskis. With Butters assisting him from afar, Cartman finds the Broflovskis just before the storm wipes the city out. The Broflovskis are too out of it to remember what happened, but Cartman doesn’t take any credit. He’s just satisfied knowing that Kyle is safe and their rivalry can continue. Cartman, a guardian angel...?