Top 10 Ridiculous Superhero Powers

Madame Fatal popped up in the first issue of Crack Comics way back in 1940. Despite her name, the good madam isn’t a woman at all: she’s an actor who fights crime by, naturally, dressing up as a frail old lady. Transvestitism isn’t actually a power, but Madame Fatal has a sidekick parrot with a ridiculous power: he can recite Shakespeare. Very handy, forsooth. Amazingly, Madame Fatal ran for almost two years. Must’ve been the parrot.

The comic relief of the Legion of Super-Heroes, Bouncing Boy has the amazing ability to inflate his already ample figure into a giant ball and bounce all over the place. Seriously, unless the Legion was attacked by a bunch of giant bowling pins, was there ever any use for this guy? And somehow Blubber Boy – er, Bouncing Boy – managed to win over Duo Damsel, one of the Legion’s choicest heroines. Y’know, in the right circumstances, bouncing must have some interesting advantages.

Part of Marvels’ New Warriors team, Hindsight Lad has the awesome ability to tell you just what you did wrong and how you could’ve done it better. Um…Dude, do you have any idea how annoying that is? Everyone’s a Monday morning quarterback; call us when you come up with a way to fight the bad guys in advance, rather than when it’s all over.

Dogwelder is part of DC’s Section 8, a comically bizarre group of heroes, and he has the ability to weld dead dogs to a person. Now this is just wrong. Played for rather black laughs, Dogwelder doesn’t have much personality. He doesn’t really speak and he doesn’t come alive except when he’s got a deceased canine and a torch in his hands. Hey, at least it gets him out of the house.

So it’s the early 1940s. You’re a radio operator who’s worried about crooks and Nazis. What do you do? Put on a costume with a built-in microphone, of course – one that lets you talk really, REALLY LOUD. And that’s the Thunderer, a short-lived Marvel character. Okay, it’s true that his power COULD knock down a building – but nobody likes a loudmouth.

Ever have one of those dates when you’re leaning over for a kiss and without warning you spew a ton of acid in your partner’s face? Yeah, us neither, but it happened to this dude Alex Cluney. And he did the only sensible thing when faced with such adversity: he adopted the name Zeitgeist and started throwing up all over baddies as part of X-Force. Memo to Zeitgeist: stock up on the Listerine.

Never create a superhero in collaboration with a record company. Dazzler was created by Marvel and Casablanca Records, home of Donna Summer and the Village People. And yes, she was a superhero AND a disco star. Her power: taking rocking hot music and making it into light beams. It’s actually a great power to have – if you own a disco and your mirror ball breaks.

A member of the Legion of Substitute Heroes, Color Kid can change the color of any object and…well, that’s it, actually. It’s not a great power, but it comes in handy when…okay, hold on…let’s say some super-villain is wearing a costume that clashes so much it really hurts your eyes. Color Kid could change the colors into something harmonious, making it easier to fight the baddie. Or not.

Color Kid at least has a home with the Legion of Substitute Heroes; but even they don’t want Arm-Fall-Off-Boy. His name doesn’t lie: his power is detaching his arm and using it to whack evildoers. Unlike most of the other heroes on this list, Arm-Fall-Off-Boy’s power was intended to be a joke. At least, that’s what they claim.

Before we unmask our top pick, here are a few honorable – or dishonorable – mentions:

- Doorman (Power: Can teleport people to the next room)

- Matter-Eater Lad (Power: Can eat or bite through anything)

- Rainbow Girl (Power: Can harness the emotional spectrum, causing extreme mood swings)

- Tag (Power: Can “tag” people and cause others to flock to or from them)

Give it up for Squirrel Girl. She can twitch her tail like no one’s business, chew through all the bark you want and tell her deepest secrets to the squirrels. But then so could Rocket J. Squirrel. Though Rocky didn’t have his own gyrocopter, called – of course – the squirrel-a-gig. Seriously, squirrels are cute, but if their abilities were so awesome, they’d be the ones tossing nuts to us.

Do you agree with our picks? What other superheroes with lame or ludicrous powers should we have considered for this list? For more enthralling top 10s published daily, be sure to subscribe to WatchMojo.com.