Top 10 South Park Villains

In the early days of “South Park,” Barbra Streisand was the butt of many a joke. Makes sense, considering she’s the most hated celebrity between creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Described as a “calculating,” “egotistical,” um… “female dog,” the singer does everything in her power to obtain the Triangle of Zinthar, going so far as to torture the boys. Once she completes the Diamond of Pantheos, she becomes Mecha-Streisand! She’s one of the more psychotic villains on this list, not to mention one of the most powerful.

Eyyy, relax, guy! You’re seeing large banners of his face all over town? You just need a rest! While he hasn’t appeared in the show too much, he proved to be a quite a threat not just to South Park, but to the entire world… just like the real Saddam. He’s attempted to take over Canada a few times, manipulated and abused Satan, and built a chemical weapons factory in Heaven, disguised as a chocolate chip factory. For someone who acts like a sugar-hyped child, this infamous dictator is as devious as he is daffy.

These famous filmmakers aren’t as criminally insane as other villains, but “South Park” would argue that some of their films are punishable offenses. In the Season 6 episode, “Free Hat,” Spielberg and Lucas begin “updating” their movies with modern technology and replacing weapons with walkie-talkies. When the boys try to stop them, the directors keep them captive and force them to sit through an updated version of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” Then, in Season 12’s “The China Problem,” Spielberg and Lucas are found raping an Imperial Stormtrooper, which leads to their arrest for raping Indiana Jones. Poor Indy.

Concerned with the amount of time their kids spend on Facebook, the parents of South Park call up Mark Zuckerberg for help. Much to their chagrin, they get anything but that, and Zuckerberg starts roaming the town, doing whatever he pleases. He breaks into people’s homes, eats their food, and is just a total public nuisance. In a sudden twist, he’s revealed to be an accomplice in Professor Chaos’s plan to smear Coon & Friends with fake news stories. No one can block this man!

What do you get when you have Tom Cruise in hiding in your closet? You get the police department and national news outside your front door. When scientologists regard Stan as a reincarnated L. Ron Hubbard, Tom Cruise waits in Stan’s bedroom to meet his idol. However, Cruise is quickly disappointed when Stan says Leonardo DiCaprio is a better actor than him, resulting in him sulking in Stan’s closet. It isn’t until Stan speaks against scientology that Cruise comes out (with R. Kelly and John Travolta) and threatens to sue. Two later episodes see Cruise trying to become immune to ridicule, but he should’ve learned by now that no celebrity is safe in South Park.

Question of the Day: How do you trick somebody into buying pubes? We aren’t sure either, but Scott Tenorman managed to do it to none other than Eric Cartman. Scott isn’t satisfied with just saying, “Ha, ha, tricked you,” as he proceeds to humiliate and torment Cartman even more. Not only does he end up stealing more money from Cartman, but he shows the town a video of Cartman begging on his knees and calling himself a piggy. As witty and intimidating as Scott can be, there’s no worse humiliation than being tricked into eating a bowl of chili made of your own parents. Wait…what?

After watching “The Passion of the Christ,” Stan and Kenny head to Mel Gibson’s to demand a refund. If only they knew about the lunacy that would follow. When asked for a refund, Gibson quickly refuses, with some not-so-subtle hints that he likes being tortured. When the boys steal their money back (and give change), Gibson goes a little… well, “off the wall” is putting it WAY too lightly. He ends up chasing the boys all the way back to South Park in a tanker from “Mad Max 2.” Dude, if you’re going that far just to get eighteen dollars back, you must be crazy. The relentless masochism is just icing on the cake.

“Alright, everyone, listen up!” Serving as the embodiment of political correctness, PC Principal has become a character both loved AND hated. Replacing Principal Victoria as of Season 19, PC Principal is set on making South Park Elementary 100% “PC,” even if it means beating up students or calling in a SWAT team to extract a student. If “South Park” were to be more realistic, PC Principal would be charged with assault, hazing, indirect hate crime, child labor, and terrorism. And yet, he’s here to stay. So, if you don’t want to be beaten until you’re PC black and blue, you better watch your micro-aggressions, bro.

“Aww! How cute! Don’t you just want to hug them?” That’s what you’d think at first. But trust us, you don’t want to be anywhere near these guys! These sinister animals ask Stan to help build a manger and kill a mountain lion, so they may call upon their Lord and Savior. When all is said and done, the Woodland Critters reveal their worship to the Anti-Christ and celebrate with a sacrifice and blood orgy. Censor bars, ready! They’re deceitful, perverted, and downright sick in the head. Better have Santa with you, if you don’t want to die by their satanic powers.

Before we reveal our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions…

Mickey Mouse

Trent Boyett

The Crab People

Any fan of the show will tell you this fat brat is the most sadistic, manipulative, self-centered, sociopathic character in the entire franchise. He might be stupid enough to buy pubes, but don’t underestimate him. Cartman will do just about anything to get what he wants, whether it’s for getting even with somebody or simply proving a point. He’s done so many horrible things that we had enough material to make a Top 10 out of it! Ideally, Cartman would be the kid in class everyone would stay away from. Contrary to that logic, the boys still hang out with him, as if he’s never fed anybody their own parents before.