Pilot Dogs, Viagra Consent & Octo Abstinence: The Dispatch Ep. 15

Pilot Dogs, Viagra Consent & Octo Abstinence: The Dispatch Ep. 15

Flying dogs, octo cock blocks and Viagra permission slips! Just because you don’t need to know about these stories, doesn’t mean they won’t interest you. Welcome to WatchMojo.com, and this is The Dispatch, where we bring you the Internet’s weirdest and coolest stories! This week we’re looking at aviating air buds, octopus cannibal control and Viagra consent forms.

#3: Pilot Pups

Summer 2016 is set to be a big one: The Summer Olympics hit Rio, the USA will be hosting the Copa América Centenario, NASA’s Juno spacecraft will be going into orbit around Jupiter, and we’ll finally find out if dogs could pilot an aircraft. Thanks to the great minds at Sky Media, a six part series called “Dogs Might Fly” will test the steel and skill of these reluctant aviators. Essentially a reality show with dogs instead of people, the series will take audiences through 10 weeks of intensive training, testing the pups’ fear of heights using a London high-rise and their composure in high-speed situations by blasting them down the River Thames on a speedboat. Even though only one pup gets to hit the skies in the end, all 12 dogs involved in the show found happy homes after the production wrapped. I mean, if I found a dog that could potentially make a pilot’s wage, maybe I’d switch from team cat to team dog, too.

#2: Cannibaloctopus

“Hey Baby, come closer and let me put my muscular hydrostat around your ink sac,” is something you might have heard at the Seattle Aquarium this past Valentines Day if the annual octopus-mating event hadn’t been cancelled at the last minute. And if Octopi could talk. The aquarium’s biggest octopus, Kong, a 70-pound cephalopod, was unable to get jiggy with it in front of an audience on Sunday over fears that he may eat his mating partner upon completing the ritual. The only eligible female was roughly half Kong’s weight, forcing the Seattle Aquarium to call off the event. Good judgment call. Mating rituals between animals can be kind of scarring for kids. Plus, there’s no rush for Kong to procreate, as octopi surprisingly only get to hop on the good foot - err, I mean, tentacle - and do the bad thing once in their 3-5 year lifespan. The male dies shortly after literally giving his only f**k, followed by the female octopus upon laying eggs. Octopi, we pour one out for you.

#1: Abracadabra, Bye-Bye Viagra

Kentucky Senator Mary Lou Marzian has had enough of “men – mostly white men – legislating personal and private medical decisions.” What she’s referring to is the new legislation in which women seeking an abortion must have at least two consultations with a medical professional before going through with the procedure. So, her response to these white men? “I will strike a nerve because what is more sacred to men than their ability to have sexual intercourse?” Her answer is House Bill 396, which makes access to Viagra only available to married men, who must have a signed and dated written consent from their wives. On top of that, these married men must swear hand-on-bible that they will only use the medication with their legal partner. Sounds savage, but that’s Marzian’s point: “Do we really want legislators interfering in private, personal medical decisions?” So, all you eligible bachelors looking for some added power to your member, ask your doc if arginine or horny goat weed is A-Okay for you. Dispatch, always here to help.

So, what sex life is more tragic than that of the octopus?
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