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Human Cloning, Penis Slaps & Seagal Training: The Dispatch Ep.6

VO: Adrian Sousa
Script written by Adrian Sousa & Jesse Polowin Welcome to, and this is The Dispatch, where we give you 3 cool, funny, or weird news stories from the previous week of human existence. This week we're taking on a penis assault, a human cloning factory and Seagal training.

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Human Cloning, Penis Slaps & Seagal Training: The Dispatch Ep.6

Penis assault, a cloning mega factory and Seagal training. Just because you don’t need to know about these stories, doesn’t mean they won’t interest you. Welcome to, and this is The Dispatch, where we give you 3 cool, funny, or weird news stories from the previous week of human existence. So, bow to your sensei, and let’s get started.

#3: Use Your Head With the Brain in it

As more and more details of an angry outburst last month in the Andalusian Football Second Division are exposed, the worse it gets. So here’s the setting: a match between CD Abes and Gabia FC, and we’re at the 80-minute mark. A player named Ruben Gómez Bustamente, who one; was suspended for yellow card accumulation and two; plays for neither of the teams on the field, takes exception to a call, and storms the pitch. He unbuttons his tracksuit bottoms and attempts to slap the female assistant referee with his penis, clearly ignoring the text on every referee’s sleeve. Following the cocky conjecture, Gómez Bustamente was banned for one year by his club Céltic de Pulianas immediately, and a 468 euro fine was thrust in his direction. I guess we can look forward to a year of bathroom selfies from this gem.

#2: The Clone Wars: China

It’s been done with monkeys, sheep, cows, and maybe even the woolly mammoth. But this week, we may have crossed that line in history where human cloning actually becomes a reality. China’s Boyalife Group are currently building a cloning super-plant on Kamino – uh, I mean Tianjin, China - where over the course of the next 5 years they hope to have cloned one million cows. According to Chief Executive Xu Xiaochun, they possess technology advanced enough to clone humans as well, but they are reluctant to begin production citing possible “adverse reactions.” Elaborating further with the cool slash scary technology, Xu says that human cloning could challenge the 50/50 split in DNA created through the standard birthing practice. Instead, now we could choose to have 100% of the genes from one parent or the other, or a mix of both. Can you imagine a 100-per-cent-Donald DNA mini-Trump clone? What a time to be alive.

#1: Flock of Seagals

We’ve seen him kick Soviet butt on the silver screen, and now it’s time for him to give back a little. American action hero Steven Seagal made a name for himself in Hollywood using his own brand of the Japanese martial art “Aikido” and now the Serbian government wants a piece. During a three day stay in Belgrade, Serbia this week, Seagal was offered a job training Serbian Special Forces in martial arts, sure to come in handy if the forces ever need to jump majestically onto a moving train, strangle a baddie from the roof of a station wagon or find themselves bringing a knife to a gun fight. Now 63 years old, Seagal is one of a few Hollywood personalities that is beloved in the Balkan state. According to Belgrade Mayor Sinisa Mali, the Serbian people were eager to have the 7th Dan black belt back on their soil, but Seagal has yet to respond to the job offer.

So, did the penis assailant deserve harsher punishment?
If you want to suggest a story or just talk about Dan’s hand gestures, get involved by tweeting us @TheDispatchWM. And for your weekly dispatch of offbeat news stories and Top 10 lists published every day, be sure to subscribe to


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