Top 10 Funniest Eric Cartman Songs

When Stan, Kyle, and Eric make their way over to Kenny’s house for a sleepover, Eric can’t resist taking jabs at Kenny’s impoverished neighborhood. Singing Elvis Presley’s “In the Ghetto,” Eric takes delight in the melodic verve of his own voice, without any cognizance of his volume. Getting shushed by Stan doesn’t seem to stir any manners either. Eric’s awful manners as a houseguest are slightly ironic, since he has no idea that he and the boys were actually sent over to Kenny’s house to catch Kenny’s dreaded chickenpox.

Just tell Cartman that he’s not the poorest kid at school, and boy is he stoked! After Kenny moves to another town, Eric learns with Butters that he’s now the poorest kid at South Park Elementary. Suffice it say that Cartman just can’t even. While the arrival of the even less fortunate Jacob Hallery calls for the first version of this tune, it’s Kenny’s return that allows for Cartman to really rejoice! His self-serving bliss gets his fingers snappin’ and his toes a’ tappin'. And in true “South Park” fashion, this moment of levity is cut short by a giant reptilian bird that swoops down and kills poor Kenny, thus returning Cartman to his social status as the poorest kid in school.

Who could ever forget Cartman’s rollicking high seas adventure with a band of Somalian pirates? It’s these times of adventure when Cartman proves that his musical chops are as sharp as his cutlass. While pillaging and plundering the Indian Ocean with cutlasses and lightsabers, Cartman and his crew make time for a boisterous sea shanty that’ll blow you down and rouse your spirits! Can we get a “yo ho ho” and a “tricky-lah-tee-do?” Being a dastardly pirate is like second nature for Eric Cartman. And although this song might’ve been more fitting for 17th century Caribbean pirates, Cartman’s seafaring musical vigor landed him on a high note that would make a Jolly Roger grin. Arggh!

Hoping to become rich and famous, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny hopped onto the boy band bandwagon and formed the infamous Fingerbang. Wendy also joins the band, as does Stan’s musical dad, Randy. Completely oblivious to the innuendo of the band’s name, the fab fourth-graders performed just one concert at the South Park Mall, singing their only song, also called “Fingerbang." Although the band never quite soared to success the way Cartman imagined, it arguably paved the way for future musical endeavors, like his Christian rock band, Faith+1.

Cartman’s enchanting and majestic rendition of this Christmas classic is as heartwarming as it is hysterical. Likewise, Cartman is as clumsy as he is stupid, as he keeps forgetting the words throughout the song. Dapperly dressed and accompanied by a chorus of Christmas angels, Cartman sings the story of the baby Jesus. The result is comparable only to the sensation of soft, sweet honey being poured in your ear by a pair of fluttering turtledoves. The spirit of Christmas has been with the South Park boys in many seasons, with Cartman’s adorable love for the holiday showcased when he sings along with good ol’ Mr. Hankey aboard the Poo-Choo Train.

While poor Eric is having relationship troubles with Heidi, the rest of South Park is worried about “distracted driving awareness.” Plus, there’s an idiot president who keeps tweeting stupid things that could cause World War III. Bothered by everyone being distracted from serious issues, Cartman picks up the microphone and addresses the lack of attention he’s getting. Later, in the school auditorium, Tweek and Craig sing a song about putting down your phone while being president… because if you’re a president and you’re constantly tweeting incoherent, childish drivel, then you probably shouldn’t be president. Cartman steps in once more with a freestyle rap, reminding people not to be distracted from his relationship issues. Oh, Cartman…

Like most 4th Graders, Cartman dreams of being a superhero and joining forces with the ruler of darkness… the evil, hate-filled Cthulhu. As the Coon, Cartman befriends the inter-dimensional destroyer of worlds and together they set off on a fantastic adventure to rid the world of all the things Cartman hates. And what would this odd couple adventure be without a kick-ass anime-inspired theme song? Cartman’s peppy little spirit soars as he rides the winged, tentacled Cthulhu on a worldwide crusade of blood and carnage. You’ll want to enjoy this song again and again as it brings back those beloved memories of Justin Bieber meeting his doom and being crushed into oblivion.

Cartman rags on a Kenny a lot, but deep down he really loves his muffled little friend. So much so that he speaks to Congress when Kenny falls terminally ill. In this heartfelt moment, an adorable, sniffling Cartman finds the right words in a timeless song by the 80s band, Asia. Members of Congress join in the chorus and begin to understand the importance of stem cell research. Then again, maybe it was just the hunger of the moment when Cartman totally didn’t care about Kenny, and instead used stem cells to make a “Shakey’s Pizza." Wah-wah… It’s still an awesome 80s throwback, though!

Cartman loves his water park, but when he discovers it occupied with various ethnic peoples, he quickly spirals into a harrowing, disconsolate stupor of vexation. The tides have turned and he’s become a minority within his own water park. Somehow, though, through the woeful thicket of bewilderment, Cartman musters his feelings into the enduring ballad of our time. Cartman sings his fat little heart out, while his fat little hands struggle to grasp at the concept of different cultures coexisting within one water park. Cartman may be a naive little 4th grader, but you can’t deny his talent for turning his sometimes narrow-minded views into shiny musical pearls.

Before we reveal our final pick, here are a few honorable mentions…

“Poker Face”
“Whale Whores”

“Sea People and Me”
“The Simpsons Already Did It”

“It’s a Beautiful Day”
“World War Zimmerman”

In the “South Park” movie, Cartman’s hatred of Kyle’s Mom is eloquently expressed in this fan favorite musical number. When Cartman originally sang this on the small screen, it was when he pissed off at Kyle’s Mom for ruining Christmas. But this time, she’s started a war with Canada, putting Terrance and Phillip in danger. In the big screen rendition, Cartman capers around the playground and around the world with gusto and finesse, declaring what a big ol’ bitch Kyle’s mom is. This had to be our number one pick simply because it captures the essence of Cartman’s brazen persona. Cartman isn’t just the musical virtuoso the world needs - he’s the one it deserves. Oh, what a frightfully witty song!