Minecraft Porn, Chastity Fails & Roadkill Cafés: The Dispatch Ep. 11

VOICE OVER: Adrian Sousa
Script Written by Jesse Polowin & Adrian Sousa

Welcome to The Dispatch,'s look at the weirdest and coolest news stories from the previous week of human existence. This week we’re looking at Minecraft porn, chastity fails & roadkill cafés.

Minecraft Porn, Chastity Fails & Roadkill Cafés: The Dispatch Ep. 11

Minecraft pornos, roadkill roasts and modern-day chastity belts! Just because you don’t need to know about these stories, doesn’t mean they won’t interest you. Welcome to, and this is The Dispatch, where we bring you the Internet’s weirdest and coolest stories! This week we’re looking at a roadkill café, chastity belt fails and sweet, sweet Minecraft porn. Really?

#3: Meet Me at the Roadkill Café

Every foodie and their dog are raving about small batch this and locally sourced that. So it’s a bit off-beat that residents of Concord, North Carolina are up in arms about a local eatery picking up a dead deer on the side of the road, bringing it back to their kitchen and butchering it. Sure, it’s a bit unconventional, but it has all the elements of a gourmand’s favorite meal; it’s fresh, it’s warm, it’s local, and it’s small batch – considering there was only one roadkill. The restaurant owner told reporters he had no intention of serving it to his customers and only stopped to pick it up because he had “never eaten deer before.” Sorry local venison lovers, the search for the perfect roadkill casserole continues. Luckily for the restaurant’s owner though, county Health Director William Pilkington told reporters there was no cross contamination with the rest of the restaurant’s stock, meaning there was no risks to potential customers. I wonder if there’s an uptick of speeding in the “Deer Crossing” zones now?

#2: Italian Chastity Incapacity

So a 60-year-old woman walks into a fire hall in Italy, and asks the firefighters if they can help her unlock something. This is sounding like the start of a Rocco Siffredi porno already. Anyway, the firefighters asked where she lives, assuming she was locked out of her house. But, to their surprise, the woman lifted her shirt – yep, still sounding like a porno – to reveal a chastity belt! Whoa, plot twist! So, raise your hand if you knew people still use this medieval form of birth control. Especially considering the validity of their use in the Middle Ages being called into question lately. Apparently they are something that’s used these days, as our Italian lady and my own quick Google search has proven. Nonetheless, our firefighting, cat saving, chastity belt breaking heroes came to the rescue and freed our damsel in distress from the belt’s grips. By the way, if you want to avoid potentially awkward situations, don’t go researching modern chastity belts while at work or school.

#1: (Mine)Craft Me Some Porno, Bro!

Ahh the millennial generation – we like our phones smart, our skateboards hovering and our porn… pixelated? According to a recent survey published by PornHub, the site that men and women have “never heard of” and “never use,” Minecraft porn is now a top search term. Yes, unfortunately Minecraft porn exists. And yes, it actually is a top search term, rising 326 percent since January of last year. It’s not the only video game people are getting hot and bothered about though. Halo, Clash of Clans and Call of Duty are just a few of the many video game porn vids people are hoping to find. PornHub is at a loss to explain what this mature, blocky content actually looks like, saying “we’ll leave it up to your imagination.” ‘Hey baby, don’t tell me where to sheath my Diamond Sword.’ Weird visuals aside, it’s good to see the Internet can make porn out of literally anything, I guess.

So, are you helping Minecraft reach the top of the Pornhub ranks?
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